Doppel-kun and Clone-chan
by itsmemac
Summary: "Ara? Have you lost your mind, Doppel-kun?" Oh? That nickname came out of nowhere. I can't say I love it, but we don't have a way to address each other yet. So if I'm Doppel-kun then I guess that makes her... "Hm? Perhaps I should ask you the same question, eh, Clone-chan?" Kyon x Kyonko
1. Act 1, Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 'Haruhi Suzumiya' series, and this fan-fiction is non-profit. All credit goes to Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten, and Kyoto Animation. Please support the original source material.**

 **Update: Edited at Oct. 2, 2015**

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 **Doppel-kun and Clone-chan**

 **Act 1: For Want of a Nail**

 **Part 1**

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We like to humour ourselves with notions of 'not caring what the world thinks' and 'how we see ourselves is what's really important', yet, the truth is, outsider opinion or the objective view, is all that matters. Take a piece of art for sale in an auction. Who determines the value, the artist or the buyer? The same goes with cuisine. Who determines what is delicious, the chef or the customer? When you look in the mirror, your appearance is not determined by what you think you look like but what the mirror throws back at you. This is you.

I am looking in the mirror. I expect to see a normal teenager with average height and average looks. A normal teenager. More specifically, a teenage male. Male.

Please excuse the redundancy, but it is justified in this situation. I need to emphasize the fact that I am, and always was, a man. Got it?

So why then, when I peer into my bathroom mirror with the utmost scrutiny, do I see not a man, but a woman? Why?

Despite how hypocritical this may sound because of what I just said about objective perspectives and all that, I will still shamelessly deny, with all my heart, the female me reflected in the mirror. Screw rational thought and common conventions, and to hell with what I said earlier. I _will_ humour myself, this time, of corny sayings like 'I don't care what the world thinks' and 'how I see myself is the only thing that matters'. Yes, such delusions suit my current needs so I'll just roll with it. In my moment of desperation, I will throw away my treasured rationality and drown myself in denial like a certain Brigade Chief would. Because after all, I am a man.

"Bravo. Your claims of masculinity are truly impressive. Truly. Now, can you kindly tell me why you're in my mirror and why you bear such a striking similarity to myself?"

I am currently alone in a locked room, or at least, I should be, unless I had been negligent and allowed my nosy Imouto to slip inside as I entered. Yeah, I should be alone. Yet, it is clear that I am not.

I have seen many strange things since my first year at Kitago. Encounters with the supernatural kind, waking up one morning in an alternate dimension, never-ending time loops, and many more. Much more. So much more that I'm developing a haemorrhage just thinking about it.

Despite my experiences with the supernatural kind, today's impossible occurrence is an unprecedented one, which is an impossibility in itself because all impossibilities should have no precedence in the first place; that's what makes them so impossible. Yet such a paradox actually exists, an unprecedented, impossible impossibility. It's there in my mirror, my own reflection which somehow developed feminine characteristics and is currently, believe it or not, speaking to me. Just my luck. I've stumbled into another quagmire, it seems. How can I get out of this one now?

"You know, if you can just calm down, unwind, and relax, I think we can rationalize our current situation here, enigma as it may be."

Ah, it speaks once more. I pinch myself on the cheek, expecting to wake up to a screaming Imouto pulling on my bed sheets. Here comes the morning chill—just kidding. The pain is real. Which means that this look-alike with unruly, chestnut hair draping over her shoulders, and sharp-at-the-tip bangs falling over her eyes—is also real. Like me, she is in sleep wear: an unfeminine looking, baggy white shirt along with old, hole-ridden pyjama bottoms completing an outfit that can only be described as slovely. It is an exact replica of mine, even the holes were placed at the same spots. Yes, the longer I looked at her the more certain I became. If not for the outfit then that hunched back, that lazy posture, that look of resignation in her eyes, was evidence enough. Yup, there's no doubt about it. But despite the evidence, I'd still like to hold on the possibility of this episode being one horrible dream. Please little sister, wake me up in your usual annoying manner. I'll even sing the 'Shamisen breakfast~' song with you.

"I hate to rain on your parade, but this isn't a dream, or at least, not the conventional kind. Assuming that I am me, and you are you, and we are separate entities, then this is not any one of our dreams. Unless, of course, you are merely a hyper-realistic construct of my imagination. Then maybe it really is a dream—a crazy, drug induced dream—but a dream nonetheless. And of course, it'd be my dream. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure I'm real." She emphasizes her point by pinching her cheeks like I did earlier. "It hurts." She rubs the afflicted area.

"Hold on a minute." I ignore this act of hers...pinching herself while cutely saying 'it hurts'...that a certain someone I know would claim to be 'moe', screaming the word with volumes reaching the highest decibels. "I know, for a fact that I am real and breathing and very much alive, thank you very much. If anyone of us is dreaming, it's me. I'm sure there's an aspect of Freudian or Jungian psychology that explains you as some sort of representation of my subconscious, a dream avatar of sorts. Or maybe, just like everything else that caused me distress this last year, you're a result of _her_ powers."

She creases her eyebrows, and stares at me through the transparent wall between us with an expression of neutrality which somehow appears to be forced."Oh? Isn't the fact that you are denying me so strongly proof of my existence? Perhaps you feel threatened after seeing another version of yourself. It's one thing to see yourself in the mirror, but to see your own reflection come to life, and act in a manner similar to you is quite the existential crisis, no?" She smiles, one corner of her lips edging upwards, a look I can only associate with one who usurps their opponent in Chess with only two turns.

On another note, this maneuver of ending a game of Chess in two turns is called 'Fool's Mate', but now is not the time for my vast yet trivial knowledge. I make an expression as if I am mulling over what she said and considering it, but I am in fact formulating a way to regain control of this conversation. The flow is completely in her favour. "You sound exactly like a certain Esper I—or I suppose I should say—we both know, with that smug expression of yours and patronizing discourse."

"Hey, I resent that." She crosses her arms in a manner reminiscent to a certain reality-warper. All she needs are a pair of golden headbands and she's set. The thought activates my fight/flight instincts. Well, let's ignore this horrifying implication for now as there are more important matters at hand. First off on the list is the question of why my reflection, which had taken the form of a female version of me, is currently talking to me in a disturbingly familiar manner, as if we were old friends catching up instead of complete strangers who just met through the strangest of circumstances. Well, I suppose this familiarity isn't too strange as we are copies of each other, assuming that theory holds any truth in it, which I hope isn't the case. I hope this is all some sort of illusion. Hell, if this is a psychological attack from an enemy of the Brigade, then I'd be much happier with that outcome. However, if this girl is indeed a gender-bent copy of me, and if the existence of multi-universe is at works in the background here, then it seems that my weekend of lethargy has come to an abrupt end. Goodbye manga and light novels, good bye warm bed sheets, good bye heat-insulated kotatsu. Oh how it pains me to bid farewell to the simple pleasures of life, but the anomalies of this universe must be kept under the proverbial wraps once more. And who's the unlucky bastard encumbered with this task? Who else but me, the butt of the joke, the living punchline. Okay, stop laughing at my misfortune and let's move on with the story.

"The story can go self-ignite and spontaneously combust for all I care. Hell, I'd even be relieved if I got caught up in the process. Seriously, it's one thing after another with him."

"Wait, I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding from my part, maybe I just misheard but— _him?_ "

"Yes, _him_. Who else could I be talking about?"

"Uh, Koizumi?"

"Ara? Have you lost your mind, Doppel-kun?"

Oh? That nickname came out of nowhere. I can't say I love it, but we don't have a way to address each other yet. So if I'm Doppel-kun then I guess that makes her...

"Hm? Perhaps I should ask you the same question, eh, Clone-chan?"

"Just to make sure—in your world, there is someone with the insane ability to warp reality, reason, and space-time itself with a single whim, right? Does this kind of cheat character exist in your realm?" Despite the seriousness of her tone, I can tell she likes the nickname.

"Why, of course," I say. "Although there are times when I question the legitimacy of such 'truths' if it can even be called as such. One can never be sure in this hidden side of the world I've stumbled into. Well, although asking you might be redundant, I can assume the same individual exists in your world, am I right?

"Yes, but there is something I have to clarify."

"Hm?"

"This person you're talking about, is it someone hyperactive, obnoxious, and completely selfish? Does this ring a bell?"

"Yeah, scarily so. Okay, does your person possess limitless energy, is dangerously reactive, too dangerous to exist in this world, but the world would be in danger if they didn't exist?"

"A paradox?"

Well, her existence can be described as such, yes. Someone possessing contradicting qualities. She was the unstoppable force and the immovable object. Infinite and finite...well, perhaps I exaggerate, but you get the point.

"Well, it seems that we are referring to the same person—"

"—although something's not right."

"Okay, I'm starting to tire of this game of twenty questions," she says.

"As am I," I say.

"It seems we are in agreement. So then, in the count of three, unveil this mystery person's identity once and for all."

"Alright."

We both nod.

"One…"

"…two."

"…three!"

"Suzumiya!" we chorus.

"So far so good, but just in case—"

"—first name it is, eh?"

"One…"

"…two."

"…three!"

"Haruhi!"

"Haruhiko…eh?"

"Well, that can't be right. Shall we describe our respective person in detail?"

"Um…two heads taller than me, constantly wears a yellow headphone set?"

While I do remember Haruhi owning a pair of yellow headphones, I'm sure she doesn't wear it occasionally. I am certain of this because I see her practically every day. If not in class and club activities, it's the weekends for our mystery searching excursions. Now that I think about it, is such constant interaction normal even amongst the closest of friends? This disturbs me. I can't remember the last time I hadn't been with Haruhi for more than one day.

I have my own worries and it seems Clone-chan does as well. A thin streak of sweat drips down her forehead and stagnates at her cheek.

"Uh…height-wise their head reaches my chest, constantly wears a yellow headband?" I offer, although this is pretty much just a last futile struggle as my suspicions are all but cemented.

And looking at her, it seems she came to the same conclusion. "No, that can't be right."

"This is impossible," I say, although the word 'impossible' has lost all credibility to me. For such a definitive word, it is laughably exploitable. Want to make the impossible possible? Just add a sprinkle of Haruhi.

"Alright, finishing blow! Let's settle this with gender." She says, although we both know we are merely delaying the inevitable conclusion.

"Agreed." Yet I comply. We are both natural procrastinators, it seems.

We throw our hands out as if playing rock paper scissors.

"Male!" she says.

"Female!" I say.

She grips her head and shakes it about. "No, no, no."

I do a similar motion. "This can't be."

Although at this point I am not surprised.

"Brigade chief?" I ask. "Made an organization to find all the mysteries of this world?"

"Y-Yeah," she says. "Multi-talented? Unfairly so?"

"Yes. Has a habit of harassing me…well, us?"

Her head jolts up as if awakened from slumber, and she juts a wavering finger at me. "Yes! Well, that finally settles it. The sexual harassment and daily molestation is a must for defining that shady guy, huh? Well, I suppose it's 'gal' in your case. Although, wouldn't a guy like you actually _enjoy_ said harassment, I wonder...?"

"Oi, ignoring that last remark, what's this about sexual harassment? And…molestation?"

And daily, I almost say.

"E-E-Eh?" She staggers half a step backwards and brings her arms up as if in surrender. "By 'harassing me' what did you mean by that, Doppel-kun?"

"Well, dear Clone-chan, I mean things like verbal abuse and forced labour. Having to do grunt work all day without salary, paying for meals on get-togethers, things of that nature."

"O-O-Oh, I see. So nothing along the lines of making you wear embarrassing cosplay, taking pictures of you in said cosplay, calling in the middle of the night to crack lewd jokes, groping of the brea—"

I hold up a hand. "A-Ah, I've heard enough, you can stop now." Really, this is too much. I look at her with pity.

She flinches from my gaze, recoiling as if my pity is a tangible force. "Aaaah. Don't look at me with those eyes. This is self-pity in the truest form of the word. It's actually harming me physically."

"Don't be embarrassed at this point. You and I are pretty much the same—well, except for the whole molestation gimmick, anyway."

"I regret ever saying anything. I'm so embarrassed I want to die. She points her pointer finger and middle finger to her head, imitating a hand gun. "Shoot me in the head and bury it somewhere." She knocks her head back after the metaphorical gun-shot.

"Okay, okay. But I must say, I am quite concerned about you, clone-chan. Haruhi is Haruhi, but a crime is a crime."

Really, this tyrant must be stopped before it's too late.

She draws in to herself and avoids eye contact. "Well, maybe I exaggerated a little. I mean, Haruhiko's calmed down recently too so there's that."

"Huh, I'd like to say 'that's impossible', but my own Haruhi has calmed down somewhat. I guess this character development is a constant in all universes, or at least, ours."

"Ah, now that you bring it up, I've been wondering about this topic for a while now, shortly after we established the identities of our common tormentor," she says.

I nod in agreement. "I've been wondering something too, and seeing as we are one in the same, may I hazard a guess?"

"Be my guest."

"Are you wondering, perhaps, about the nature of our alternate universes?"

Her eyebrows shoot up. "Ah, so we are on the same page. Well, this much is natural."

"Indeed."

"Well, I have my own thoughts, but would you like to go first?"

I cross my arms. If can see my actual reflection right now, I bet I'd see myself scowling. "Getting lazy, are we? Good grief."

"Good grief yourself."

I clear my throat and make a show of covering my mouth, actions indicative of someone preparing for a long speech. Well, it's time to emulate Koizumi's verbose speech; she's probably expecting something of the sort with the way she looks at me, so expectantly. Ah, even though she knows what I'm capable of and my strengths certainly don't include the rhetoric arts, she's still looking at me like that. Well, if it's come to this, I shouldn't betray her expectations, this is a man's responsibility after all. Here comes my poser phrase!

"Hm, I guess I should take responsibility. This is what a man should do."

"Eh? Can you not say something I'll misunderstand?" She looks at me as if she's looking at garbage.

Umu. That was a failure.

"Ahem, I'll get on with it. So, regarding my thoughts on this little situation of ours, I don't have any answers as of yet, but I have established some starting points to get as, well, started."

"Starting points?"

"Yes, like the beginning of the novel when establishing the themes are important as well as setting up plot devices and story arcs; the starting points I conceived should show us the paths we must take in order to shed some light in this whole gender bending fiasco."

"I see."

"Or so you say, but you probably had the same ideas yourself."

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, but I'm humouring you."

"I figured. Well, let's just start this off. Like we said, we must first figure out the nature of our alternate universes. The similarities, the differences, the elusive intangibles, how our respective dimensions are connected, and if we figure out how, then we'll move and and ask 'why'. Let's start with this mirror between us and the implications of it—by the way we really must discuss this phenomenon at a greater length later. Maybe try some experiments and see if the mirror has some magical properties, as such a development would suit Haruhi's twisted tastes quite well—"

She twirls her finger in the air in a turbulent circular motion, like a record spinning erratically. Ah, a broken record? "You're digressing."

"Sorry," I mutter, "but it feels like I'm talking to myself, which I am, so I get the urge to ramble. Anyhow, first we must ask questions before we seek answers, the cart before the horse, and all that. What does the mirror signify, if it has any meaning at all? Does this mean that our universes are exact mirror replicas of each other? Aside from the glaring difference regarding our gender, there are also differences in our interactions with others, as exemplified by Haruhi(ko)'s, um, 'interests' regarding you."

Her eyebrows line together perfectly in a scowl. What impressive symmetry. "Watch it."

"Well, he is a guy after all and Haruhi's aggressiveness translated into the male body undergoing puberty is—"

"I said watch it."

I bite my lips to stop myself from laughing. "Ahem, very well. Where was I? Oh yes. There is another question we should ask ourselves: Is this the work of Haruhi—or in your universe, Haruhi(ko)—or is it the product of outsider involvement? And by outsider involvement I mean the superiors of our fellow Brigadiers, with the main suspects being the Data Overmind. Their intentions, while unclear, mostly centre on observing the data-distorting anomaly known as Suzumiya Haruhi(ko). This could be an experiment on their part, although it is hasty to blame the whole entity as they are apparently divided into sections. As a matter of precedence, I blame the radical faction whom Asakura Ryouko belongs to."

She shivers. "Asakura Ryou." Her breath hitches as she says that name. "That's a name I didn't want to hear again."

I want to mention the Sky Canopy Dominion but I'm not sure if such a unique entity exists in her universe as well. I don't want to distress her with worries that don't exist. Well, at least they might not exist for her. She already seems troubled enough by the mention of Asakura. So that knife wielding psycho's name is Ryou on the other side. I try not to imagine the male equivalent.

"Precisely. I won't dwell on the matter any longer than I have to. Moving on. The second culprit is Asahina's san's time travelling faction, although they are unlikely suspects as they are neutral most of the time, and never cause incidents themselves." Again, I don't mention the sneering bastard's troop of time criminals in favour of simplicity. Perhaps another time, but not now."Koizumi's Organization. Although, as suspects go, they seem the unlikely sort to pull a stunt of this magnitude, as it is more detrimental to their goals than beneficial—assuming that Koizumi and his colleagues are telling me the truth, and not weaving an intricate web of half-truths and white lies all for this moment. If this is true then we have already fallen into their trap."

"You don't seem to trust Koizumi much."

"And you do?"

"I guess? I don't know about guys but girls have an innate ability to sense insincerity. It's practically a necessity in the female social world of backstabbing and intrigue. So, yeah, I'm sensitive to these things."

Backstabbing and intrigue? The female world sounds terrifying. "And? What are your thoughts on Koizumi?"

"Koizumi is, well, I'm not too sure, really. But underneath all that secrecy and deception is a girl with good intentions, at least that's what I see. Call it woman's intuition."

"You seem to get along with Koizumi pretty well," I say.

"No, that's not it. But she is part of the Brigade so I give her the benefit of the doubt."

"How noble of you. However, I'm not suspecting Koizumi—your world or mine's—for this incident. I am not wary of the pawn but rather—"

"Ah, I see," she says. "Sometimes I forget that Koizumi's an over glorified spokesperson of sorts. Although that is sort of sad now that I think about it, to have your strings pulled from the shadows, acting as a mouthpiece and smiling all the time, living a life of insincerity. Perhaps I've been too harsh on her."

"If you feel that guilty, you should let her win a couple games of Othello."

"Not a chance. This sudden act of generosity towards Koizumi of all people is contrary to my character arc."

"What's that? You also said something earlier about letting the story 'spontaneously combust' didn't you? Are you also a fourth wall breaker aside from being a Slider?"

"Hm? A Slider? What makes you think I'm the visitor and not the host?"

It seems she has selective hearing as she ignored the first half of my accusation.

"You're the one in my mirror," she accuses, "so you're the number one candidate for being a Slider, right?" She knocks on the frame for emphasis. However, no sound is heard from the contact. The only sound I hear is my alternate-self yelping as her left arm phases clean through my mirror. She loses her balance and tips over, the upper half of her body submerging through my side of the window.

I consider cracking a snide remark, but I stop when I see tears forming around her eyes. Huh, so the differences between us might not be so subtle at all. Who knew that a change in gender could make such big differences, whether it's caused by the nature of her birth or her surroundings. Had my family treated her differently than they did to me in my world? Maybe her father had been overprotective of her and sheltered her a little; maybe her mother doted on her. Maybe her little sister—or brother, I suppose—was a bit more lenient on my other self in terms of being a general annoyance, but that's unlikely. I have a feeling that Imouto in all universes, no matter the gender, were all annoying little brats.

I help her out by pulling her to my side, seeing as 70% of her body is already on my side. She sobs softly when one of the holes in her pajama bottoms gets hooked on the sink's faucet and rips, exposing a bit of her derrière. I don't even find this remotely funny seeing as I'm technically the one going through this embarrassment. Ah, I hate seeing myself like this. Like she said earlier, this is next level self-pity right here. It physically hurts.

"Thanks," she says, after she's back on her feet. She looks downwards, avoiding eye contact. Well, I can't fault her. She showed me quite a lot of, er, never mind.

"Don't mention it. I'll be some sort of masochist if I willingly watch my own self suffer."

"Yeah, but can you really consider us one in the same, I wonder? It's only been a short time since we've known each other, but I can see the differences between us already."

"Well, that's a given, and I'm sure you know why," I say.

"Yes, I'm sure you had the same thoughts as well. I was thinking about it as you were pulling me from my side of mirror."

"How did that work, anyway?" I'm hesitant, but I place my hand on the mirror's surface. My hand goes through and I feel rouge sensations on my open palm. "Your bathroom's warm."

"Yeah, I just got out of the shower after all. There's probably some steam left."

I discreetly smell her hair. We use different shampoos, it seems. I use a scentless one while hers smell like apples. Another difference due to gender. Or maybe it was just a difference in personalities shaped through our respective circumstances. Trying to spot every sign of divergence between our lifestyles and personalities is a useless effort. I should just put those observations aside and focus on the important matters, like figuring out the secrets of this space-time tearing mirror. With that decided, I stick my hand through once more, feeding more of my arm inch-by-inch.

"What are you doing? Trying to go to my world?"

"Well, to be honest, I'd rather not if I have the choice. I like my world and going to an alien one isn't exactly a positive prospect for me. No offence, by the way."

"None taken. It's not like I'm too comfortable in your world either. It feels the same, but I feel a bit nauseous here, as if my body can sense the difference."

One reason I can think of is that there are variances in our respective environments such as my world having different oxygen levels than hers, or other such alterations in the atmosphere. If that's the case then the human body is truly amazing if it can react accordingly even in another universe. Perhaps the colonizing of Mars is not restricted to Sci-fi novel speculation, if surviving an alternate world just like Clone-chan is doing now is already a proven fact. Of course, Mars' surface is vastly different from Clone-chan and my worlds, which share an alarming amount of similarities. The elements needed for life are present and included in both of worlds, despite minor discrepancies.

"Can you stop mumbling about Martian colonies or whatever and help me go back to my home dimension?" I break out of my thoughts and see my female-self trying to stick a leg through my mirror. She grunts with effort as she successfully gets one of her legs through.

"Going back so soon? Sorry if my world's really that disappointing."

"Funny. No, it's just that it's getting pretty late already." She stifles a yawn with her palms. "I have to wake early for the expedition tomorrow or else I'll have a 'punishment' waiting for me."

"Ah, I see." Wait, something about what she said didn't make sense. "Wait a minute, so you're going to sleep now?"

"Yeah, that's the plan. Don't worry I'll try and contact you tomorrow, we still have a lot of stuff to discuss." She turns her head away. "And, well, it was actually sort of nice talking..."

I hold up a hand to interrupt her, the other hand massages my temples, easing the tension that accumulated there. "Wait, Clone-chan, there's something wrong here."

"Huh, what? Can you tell me tomorrow? I'm too tired right now. And how are you still so energetic? It's already—"She takes out a phone from one of her pajama bottom's pockets. It's a miracle the phone didn't fall out because there was a tear in that pocket. "—almost midnight. It's 11:59 pm." She shows me the display and a digital clock indicates that it was indeed almost midnight.

But that can't be because its morning right now, well at least, it is for me. I just woke up thirty minutes ago and planned to take a shower, but I got distracted by this girl here who has one of her legs sticking through my mirror—a rather grotesque image that I'd rather not have seen, by the way.

"If it bothers you so much then why don't you help me out?" She continues her effort, her forehead starts to perspire. So much for the shower she just took.

I move to help her, but I stop midway when the mirror starts acting strangely. It glows blue, a functionality I'm certain it doesn't originally have. The light becomes so bright that I had to close my eyes to prevent damage to my sight. I hear her crying out and I move in the darkness to help her. I stumble about until I find one of her feet. I enclose my hands around it.

"Should I push you in?" I yell.

"No, it's too dangerous, I can't see my world—just this vortex of light. Just pull me back."

I do as I'm told. I grunt from the excursion as I heave her out. I stumble backwards and trip, my back landing painfully on the sides of my bathtub. I open my eyes and see her falling towards me. I corral her in my arms and grit my teeth as the impact knocks the breath out of me.

"Sorry." She tries to get up, but goes limp and falls on me again. She uses her arms to soften the landing, but I still grunt from the impact.

My face somehow ends up buried in her hair. Apples. I peer through her shoulders and see the mirror shifting colours. Blue, red, orange, green. Finally, it glows an ethereal white and produces a noise similar to how a kettle whistles. After a final surge of light, the mirror shatters, shards of glass raining down around us. I pull her tight and cover her eyes with an arm. I burrow my face on her shoulders, protecting my own eyes.

I feel shards falling all around me, but I don't get cut. She yells out and I feel a hot liquid drip on my hands. Finally, after ten seconds, the shower of glass halts. The whistling noise ceases and the lights are gone, along with my mirror which shattered to an infinitesimal amount of broken shards. Boy, clean-up is going to be a pain. But such inconsequential worries will have to wait for later. Right now—

"Ah, why does stuff this always happen to me?" She leans into me, my face burying deeper in her hair.

She looks at the mirror, or where it used to be. Ah, that's right, the 'portal' is gone. It must be something to see your only ticket home exploding into irreparable bits. I suppose it's similar to losing your passport on the day of the flight—well, even then, recovery of the passport is still very much possible. This situation of ours, however, when the solution isn't as simple as going to a government office and asking for a replacement, is enough to drive anyone insane. Ah, my only way home just exploded. Surely such a thought would destroy the sanity of most ordinary folk. Although it pains me to admit this, me and her, we are probably past the point of being ordinary. So we can only just stare at the bits of glass all around us and sigh.

"Good grief," we chorus.

"Well, Clone-chan, it looks like you'll be here for a while, at least, until we find a way for you home."

"Well then, I'll be in your care, Doppel-kun."

"Uh-huh."

"But before that—"

"Hm?"

"Can I make a request?"

"What?"

She turns to face me, her cheeks has a pink tinge, and from this close, I can feel the warmth emanating from them. Even her ears are red and there is something like a swirling motion in her eyes.

"Can you take your hands off my breasts already?"

Ah, now that you mention it, there is something soft.

"There is a term for this." I say. "It's like incest but with the self. I think it's called self—"

"Don't finish that sentence."

I feel something dripping on my leg and remember that one of the glass fragments grazed her during the explosion. "You're wounded."

"It's nothing." She lifts her leg but winces.

"Uh-huh."

She pouts. "Shut up." I can feel her shaking. "And you can take your hands off already? You've groped me for long enough haven't you?"

I almost comment on how I can't really feel anything. "Let's get that wound treated."

"You were thinking something rude right now, weren't you?"

There's no point in keeping things to yourself when dealing with, well, yourself.

"I said take them off already! And that better be my phone poking at me or else things are going to be really awkward between us from now on."

* * *

Getting Clone-chan patched up didn't take long but it was enough to get me five minutes late behind schedule. I push myself to my limits as I pedal through the streets of Nishonomiya.

"Hime, hime, hime, tsuki, tsuki, daisuki."

I sing this nonsense to myself as I pedal up a steep hill. Not as steep compared to the one at school, but it was certainly no pushover.

When I arrive half a block away from our meeting spot, I can tell from a distance that Haruhi is anything but pleased with me, if her arms crossed and her feet stomping on the ground hard enough to make small craters isn't indicative enough.

"You're late Kyon, get your butt over here while I'm still feeling merciful. Or else its penalty, penalty I say!"

People stare at her and then at me. This isn't the first time my association with Haruhi resulted in public shame, in fact, this is a daily occurrence. I can vaguely make out Koizumi smiling to himself, although I don't need to see him to ascertain that. Asahina-san looks at Haruhi and then at me with her eyes watering, and Nagato was—well, at a distance her normally blank expression is even more cryptic than usual.

"I said get your butt down here now if you know what's good for you. Disobeying your leader's whims is a capital offence!"

We like to humour ourselves with notions of 'not caring what the world thinks' and 'how we see ourselves is what really matters'. However, in the world I know, Haruhi's whims are all that really matters.

"Too slow! It's the death penalty for you!"

Sorry Clone-chan, I can't help you go back. I will die in Haruhi's hands before I get the chance.

* * *

 **To Be Continued**


	2. Act 1, Part 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 'Haruhi Suzumiya' series, and this fan-fiction is non-profit. All credit goes to Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten, and Kyoto Animation. Please support the original source material.**

* * *

 **Doppel-kun and Clone-chan**

 **Act 1: For Want of a Nail**

 **Part 2**

* * *

I am seated in a familiar café, a cup of the usual black coffee in front of me. With me is a congregation of supernatural entities. A humanoid data-interface, a timid time traveller, an Esper working for a mysterious organization, and lastly, a reality warper of sorts. Business, as usual.

My posture is intentionally congruent to the shape of my chair, as Haruhi developed a habit of rebuking me when my posture slacked, lecturing me about professional behaviour during Brigade meetings. Hypocrisy. My accuser is now leaning back on her chair, her feet up on the table, her eyes daring me to say one word.

Aside from Haruhi and her fundamental weirdness, the café, as usual, has a peaceful atmosphere. Customers aside from us are a rarity. It is quiet in here, giving the place a library feel. Nagato is at home here. She is sipping on a tall glass of juice with a lime green colour. The slight movement of her eye lids (going from half-lidded to one-thirds lidded) hints at her enjoyment of the beverage. Lying flat on the table is an unopened book, because Nagato is not Nagato if she doesn't have at least one book in her possession. To her right is Asahina-san. There is not much to say about Asahina-san except that she's lovely as always. Auburn hair done up in an elegant bun. A pink blouse underneath a sky blue shawl cardigan. Simple, white skirt that cut above her knees. Lovely. Too lovely. Next to her is Koizumi. My mood instantly sours.

A peaceful café, and in it, individuals possessing supernatural qualities. A stark contrast apparent only to me, a reluctant tag-along in this strange tale revolving around the intrepid Suzumiya Haruhi.

In this place, with these people, I am here.

Although, due to Haruhi's unceasing rebukes, I am starting to wish that I am not.

"Kyon, tuck in that shirt of yours. One mustn't dress so sloppily in the audience of a superior officer."

And what right did she have to call herself an officer? She possessed neither a badge nor certification. She must've seen some law enforcement themed T.V. drama yesterday night, fuelling yet another delusion.

"As a matter of fact, I did watch a documentary of our country's national police force. It was a fascinating review of the topics Okabe-sensei touched on in yesterday's Social Studies class. Although, I suppose you have no clue about that seeing how you drifted off in class, hm? Would you like to tell us about that?"

"I invoke my right to remain silent."

"Unfortunately for you, I am a corrupt cop with a penchant for sadistic behaviour."

"What sort of setting is this? Are we in the 80's when corruptness in the police force was abundant?"

"How naïve of you, to assume that police corruptness is a thing of the past. I'm sure that there are still some rotten apples amongst the current justice system."

"If there are any rotten apples to be found, I'm sure it'd be you. Just you."

"I'd find a suitable punishment for that treacherous remark, if you weren't paying for my lunch already."

"…"

Ah, what a one-sided verbal onslaught. I feel so ashamed that I just might cry.

"Yes, yes, cry away. It is my victory, after all."

This exchange continues until Haruhi feels satisfied. In my defeat, that is.

"Anyways, let's start the meeting!"

The meeting, of course, is as usual. Supernatural this, spreading the Brigade name that, and so on and so forth. I feel that my participation is neither needed nor is it wanted, so I seclude myself in my thoughts.

Naturally, I think about Clone-chan.

She is with Imouto. Somehow or other, I managed to convince my little sister that my female self was a long lost cousin. This convenient lie would make most people suspicious, but my little sister's childish mind couldn't put two and two together. Now, I'm not implying that my little sister is mentally deficient, but she is a bit of a late bloomer in terms of maturity. I mean, maybe it's unfair to compare her with a child who matured too early for her own good. Of course, I am referring to Imotou's best friend, Miyokichi. By the way, Miyokichi is also in my house right now, playing with Imouto. I put Clone-chan in charge of watching the two, though I'm more concerned about Imouto than her reliable friend. Clone-chan knows this as well. Right now she is on Imouto watch duties, a dangerous role if handled by an amateur. All older siblings will know what I'm talking about. So all older siblings please salute our comrade in our arms who sacrificed herself so little old me can play around with the Brigade. God speed, Clone-chan!

With that said, I have better things to do than attending this so-called meeting of Haruhi's. This meeting is important, she claims, and different from the rest, but it really is the usual, just more of Haruhi's exaggerated claims about the Brigade's reputation spreading worldwide. I mean, okay, so maybe the Brigade did procure a little bit of recognition in the local spectrum. But not for the reason Haruhi suspects. Word has gotten around that there is a high school club with three bishoujos in it (and one bishounen plus some other guy who just hangs around). More than an organization searching the world for mysteries, the general populous saw the S.O.S. Brigade as some sort of up-and-coming Idol group, a remnant from Haruhi's performance on the last culture festival, perhaps?

Now, please keep this a secret from Haruhi. Despite how she is at times, she really does give her all for the Brigade, and she'd be distraught to see how her efforts turned out. This dedication of hers is something that I've come to admire. And yes, I'll confess, I admire Suzumiya Haruhi, Well, at least, I admire the part of her that works hard for the sake of the Brigade.

There are times when I even forget that she is Haruhi. Now, that makes it seem as if being a Haruhi is a bad thing, but let me tell you that the Haruhi adjective is a complicated one. It's all in the context, really. When you happen to hear someone say, "You're such a Haruhi", don't forget to take a closer look at the interaction. Is the initial speaker muttering under their breath with a sour look in their face while complaining about how selfish and thoughtless the other person, the subject labelled as a 'Haruhi', is? Or is there a good mood between the parties involved. Perhaps the subject is working hard in their own way and the initial speaker has a proud smile on their face. 'You never cease to impress me. What Haruhi-like behaviour'. You see, 'Haruhi' can mean many things.

"Haruhi you are so Haruhi right now. Keep it up."

"Wha-? Excuse me?"

It is rather troubling that the origin herself is not aware of the adjective derived from her name. Perhaps a linguistics expert such as I should educate her.

Or not. Maybe I should stop fooling around, huh?

"Don't worry about it, Haruhi. Excuse me for my Haruhi-ness."

"I feel like I'm being mocked but I'll let it slide since I don't know what in the world you are talking about."

Indeed, a joke only I know is not really a joke at all, is it?

It comes to no surprise that the one to pick up on my nonsense is the Haruhi devotee himself. Koizumi Itsuki rubs his chin in thought. "I see, using the chief's name as an adjective. The applications would be numerous as the subject herself is brimming with complexities." He gives me a look of respect. "As expected of someone as Suzumiya-san as yourself."

Even in such a situation he uses an honorific.

"Even my vice chief is in on this little joke, huh?" She crosses her arms. "I will have to take necessary action if this foolishness persists."

There's nothing funny about an enraged Haruhi so let's leave the linguistics of 'Haruhi' aside for now.

Asahina-san has a look of confusion while watching our exchange. Ah, only an angel like her can make ignorance an admirable quality. She is a woman who could look angelic even with a knife in her hands while spouting yandere lines like 'If I can't have you then nobody can'. Hey, there is more than one type of angel, you know? An angel of light, an angel of darkness, an angel of peace, an angel of war, a fallen angel, a righteous angel. In the same way there is more to Asahina-san than it seems.

Well, whatever she is and whatever she turns out to be, Asahina-san will always be lovely. Too lovely.

"Ah, I don't understand what's going on, but everyone, let's try to get along, okay?"

See? What'd I tell you? If all the goodness in this world materialized, the product would take the form of Asahina-san.

Although, if Asahina-san is an angel then a goddess would be…

…well, of course it'd be Nagato. Great goddess Nagato.

And what is my deity doing right now? Well, nothing much, really. Oblivious to everything around her, or perhaps she is aware of everything around her but doesn't show it. Yes, that seems more likely. She is sipping on her lime drink, her expression my Nagato senses define as 'content'.

"Yes?"

She noticed my staring, it seems. As expected of Nagato.

"It is nothing much," she says.

How do you respond to a dismissive phrase like that? Of course, I know all too well of Nagato's small talk tendencies, or her lack of it for that matter, so I'll chalk this up as a good natured but failed attempt at communication. Despite her seemingly cold nature, there is an earnest person inside that doll-like exterior and face reminiscent of a Noh mask. I'm fine with this apparent coldness of hers as I am well-versed in the secret language of Nagato, but an ordinary person in my place would find themselves heartbroken after one discussion with our resident alien. Imagine cracking a joke, and Nagato looks at you with eyes that can freeze thermite and says, 'I see'. Oh, how painful. Well, actually, some people might _like_ that sort of treatment.

"Are you one of those people, then?" the queen of cold herself says, while glancing at me sidelong with her pupils, her head itself unmoving.

"No I am not, and please stop reading my internal monologue."

She tilts her head. "I do not understand."

"Ah, actually what am I talking about myself, I wonder?"

That's peculiar, this sort of banter worked with Clone-chan. Maybe aliens are not capable of fourth wall breaking?

"I suppose we are not."

Is that resentment in your voice, Nagato, or are my Nagato senses in need of a tune up again? "Well, it's really no big deal. Please don't mind it. Rather, please forgive me for making you feel inadequate."

"I do not feel inadequate."

Of course, there is no one in the universe more adequate than great goddess Nagato, the benefactor of my life.

"Hm."

I guess the conversation is over then. Was it something I said?

"Stop bothering Yuki, Kyon. You're creeping her out."

"Yeah, okay. Sorry, Nagato."

"Don't mind."

So all is forgiven, it seems. Although with Nagato you can't really tell. Just keep in mind that Nagato is not one you want holding a grudge against you.

And so the meeting continued in much the same fashion. Haruhi being Haruhi, Asahina-san being lovely, great goddess Nagato gracing us with her divinity, and Koizumi…ah, my mood instantly sours.

* * *

"So, you've been messing around with the Brigade this whole time, eh?"

"Huh? How'd you know that?"

"I've seen everything past this scene break."

I am now in my home with Clone-chan in front of me. We are in the living room. She gazes up to me and I look down to meet it. The difference in height is five inches. The distance between us is less than that. I take a step back.

"How are you even aware of the last segment? Actually, never mind that. How is Imouto and Miyokichi?"

"Playing games."

"What kind of games?"

"I don't know, I let them browse through your collection."

"Do you have a grudge against me or something, Clone-chan?"

"Eh? What're you talking about?"

She seems sincere. I see, yet another contradiction caused by the difference in our genders.

"Never mind. By the way, the Brigade minus Haruhi is coming over. Make yourself presentable."

"Huh, what do you mean by that?" she asks.

She is wearing a shirt of mine and it's too big for her small frame. The sleeves slid of one of her shoulders revealing a lot of skin. From a certain angle, one could look down the collar and peek into her secret places. It was too erotic, and I don't want anyone in the Brigade to see me—albeit in female form—in such a manner. Or more like there's one person that I'm actually concerned about. Well, two, actually, but she's not coming today.

"I see. So you're more concerned about your pride as a man than my dignity as a woman?"

"Call it self-preservation, and because you are me, it naturally benefits you as well."

"I suppose I can accept that reasoning."

"Of course."

She goes off to the coat closet and retrieves my mother's wool sweater. It fits her well since they are about the same size, although it is a bit loose in some areas.

"You're thinking something rude right now, aren't you?"

"You can tell?"

"I am you, after all." She prods at my chest with a finger. "Hm, you're so confident when it comes to judging my body so how about I gave you a taste of your own medicine?"

I read her intentions. "Don't you dare say it—"

"Oh Doppel-kun, answer me this. If my female parts are small, and assuming our sexual growth is progressing in the same way, then how about your—"

"No, this and that are completely different things. Rather—unless you want to turn me impotent please don't say such things ever again."

"Ah, perhaps I went too far. Impotency is no joke."

"Well, as long as you understand."

"Okay, then let's make a truce when it comes to body shapes and forms, especially when it comes to things we are sensitive about."

I shake her hand in agreement.

"Sounds good to me."

We share a hearty laugh. How corny.

"I'm going to check up on Imouto. Are they still in my room?"

"Should be," she says.

"Okay. Please try to make the living room presentable for our guests."

"Huh? Isn't that your job? You're the one who lives here."

"This is your home too, you know. Alternate world or not."

She looks down at her feet. "Yeah, yeah, I get it."

"Do you really get it, I wonder?"

"Yeah, I do. I'm not as dense as I pretend to be. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, huh, Doppel-kun?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Clone-chan."

"Ah, see? There it is."

I ignore her provocations and head upstairs. On my way up, she calls out to me, "Hey, thanks. I-I'll try to feel at home." I almost miss it because she's mumbling.

"Don't mention it." I say. I climb up, but stop after a couple of steps. "You are me, after all."

Her eyes widen. "Wha...?" Her face shifts from varied expressions, but she settles with a small smile after muttering something to herself. It wasn't a million-watt smile like Haruhi's, more like static shock in terms of impact. But it's not bad.

…

I hear laughter and sounds of gunfire as I near my room. The fact that two girls playing a war simulation game, and trying to shoot each other with virtual murder weapons not bothering me as it should, is an indication of our state as a society. As to what this indication means, well—I'll let the sociologists decide.

"Oh, darn, I lost again." Imotou's voice.

"Ah, sorry." Miyokichi's.

"You better be. Let me win this round."

"Ah, eh? O-Okay."

I open the door, earning a startled yelp from the girls.

"Imouto, you shouldn't take advantage of Miyokichi's kindness like that."

Imouto pouts. "Okay, fine. Sorry, Kyon-kun."

"Don't apologize to me." I nod my head to Miyokichi who is squirming under all the attention.

"Sorry, Miyokichi."

Miyokichi blushes. Ah, that's somewhat cute.

She's eleven, though.

"Erm, it's fine. It's no big deal," she says.

Imouto grins while shooting up a victory sign with two fingers. She always gets off easy, and I'd like to lecture her more but she already apologized. I'd just seem petty if I berate her any further than I already had. The intricacies of raising a younger sibling are tolling to the mind, at least, its enough to give me a headache.

The game they are playing is a retro third-person shooter. Advanced for its time, 'Silver Glock 2' or 'SG2', features two player co-op gameplay, A.I. system with controllable difficulty levels, the best graphics of that time, and, perhaps the most notable renovation is the ability to save game data on the console's internal memory. No more spawning at restarts as soon as the 'GAME OVER' graphic flashes on the screen.

"Okay, let's play another round. Miyokichi, you up for it?"

"A-Alright."

Imouto turns to me. "Kyon-kun, wanna play?"

"No thanks, I have visitors coming."

Her eyes light up. She rushes over and tugs at my jeans. "Is Haru-nee coming?"

I swat her prying hands away. Haruhi really left an impression on Imotou, it seems. "No, not this time."

She pouts but immediately recovers. "How about the other nee-chan's?"

"Ah. Yeah, they're coming."

Sorry, Nagato, Asahina-san. You'll have a boundless ball of energy bothering you the entire visit. I consider changing the location to a nearby family restaurant, but it seems cruel to leave the girls behind while I go play. And there would be no one to watch over them as I needed Clone-chan to come along.

"Ah, Yuki-nee and Mikuru-nee. They're not Haru-nee but they'll do!"

Hey, don't even compare those two to Haruhi! It seems Imouto needs some thorough educating if she can't differentiate the forces of good from evil. If I don't deal with this soon then Imouto might grow up to be some Haruhi-incarnate. What a horrifying thought.

"Don't get me wrong, Kyon-kun. I like the other nee-chan's too, but I like Haru-nee the most!"

I'm not sure how to feel about her referring to Nagato and Asahina-san as 'the other nee-chan's' but I'll chalk it up as a child's favouritism. Kids have a favourite for everything. Favourite toy, favourite colour, favourite Sentai Hero, heck, even favourite parent. And they'll go out of their way to have their favourite thing, refusing to use or have anything else. It seems Haruhi somehow earned a spot in Imotou's heart as 'favourite nee-chan'. I'm not sure what to feel about this.

"Oh, and I like the new nee-chan too! Um, what's her name again?" She turns to Miyokichi.

"Ah, I'm sorry, but I don't know myself." Miyokichi looks at me inquisitively. "You two never told us, Nii-san. Perhaps you forgot?"

Her tone of voice held no accusation but her words fell heavily on me. A name. Even I didn't know her name. I had no reason to ask. I assumed that we had the same nickname, which is probably the truth, but I don't have a way to say that without looking suspicious. And I can't just go around calling her Clone-chan in front of other people. Well, I suppose I should be grateful that it was Imouto and Miyokichi who first raised the topic. If Haruhi were to meet Clone-chan and ask the same question, she'll sniff out my deceptions before I can even utter a single word.

Okay, as for the name, I can think up some fake aliases. However, I am not a creative person, and I am not one to think on their feet so I blurt out this nonsense. "Her name—well, let's call her Kyonko, for now."

"Huh? Isn't that pretty much the same nickname as yours?" Even Imouto could tell something was fishy.

"Well, yeah, she's our cousin, right? So our relatives gave her a similar nickname."

"But she's a long lost cousin, right?" Miyokichi asks.

Miyokichi, you're too clever for your own good.

"It was given to her when she reunited with the family. So, because it's a new pet name, if she doesn't respond when you call her as such, or when she looks at you strangely, then it's because she's not used to it yet. Do you two understand?"

"Yup!"

"Alright."

I let out a breath of relief. "Good." It really is good. With this the girls wouldn't suspect a thing, even if Clone-chan is slow to pick up on my deceptions.

Now, there's only one more thing to take care of.

"Listen, girls, let me ask you a question. This is important, okay?"

"What is it, Kyon-kun? Can you hurry up, I'm trying to beat—I mean, play with Miyokichi here."

I ignore that for now. "Did you girls find any weird games in my collection?" Ah, too direct. I should've thought about this more.

Imotou and Miyokichi share a glance. Miyokichi mutters something to Imouto while glancing at me. Her face is also blushing. A bad sign.

"Nah, not really," Imouto says.

"I see."

I guess Imotou is safe. Miyokichi is the only one I need to worry about, and considering that reaction too…

Well, even if that is the case, Miyokichi isn't the gossipy type. Maybe I should take her out to another of her beloved horror movies just to make sure I'm on her good side. And yes, I am willing to stoop so low that I'd bribe a kid.

"Okay, Miyokichi, let's hurry up and finish our duel!"

"Y-Yes!"

They immerse themselves in the game. I make my leave, not wanting to be hindrance.

* * *

I smell an assortment of spices in the air as I descend down the stairway. Ginger, garlic, cinnamon. There's also the smell of chicken. Curry? Chicken curry? Hm, well that's a dish I can cook as well. I somewhat expected Clone-chan—well, I suppose its Kyonko now—to have a wider culinary arsenal, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Of course, there's the possibility that our ingredients in the house are too scarce, and she couldn't make anything aside from curry. I do remember my mother buying curry powder in bulk, and the only vegetables in the fridge are things like potatoes, onions, and carrots. Well, I should just ask the chef herself.

"Oh, I only know how to make curry."

Well, I should expect this much, I guess. Or rather, I can't possibly be disappointed as I too can only make curry, and even then, not that well. From the looks of it, Kyonko has a better aptitude in cooking, although her culinary arsenal is limited. Quality over quantity, I suppose.

She is wearing my mother's apron, a plain white one, or at least it was originally white, but now there are culinary battle scars on it, things like soy sauce stains and flecks of dried up oil. There is a noticeable tear around the collar, and the strings meant for securing the apron around the waist is unusable, as one end of the string has been cut off. It was an atrocity that my mother refused to replace because she grew an attachment to it, despite my numerous urgings. Sentimental value aside, Clone-chan's girl points take a massive drop just by wearing it.

"You know, you shouldn't insult me like that when I have a pot full of boiling curry at hand."

"I'm sorry, your feminine levels are adequate."

"Adequate?"

"More than adequate. You're a radiant beam of sunshine."

"Ara, ara. Flattery will get you nowhere."

But it will save my life.

"Hey, Kyonko—"

"Hm, Kyonko?"

"Well, somehow that's the nickname you've been given. You don't mind, do you?"

"Nah. I have the same nickname as you back home. So a few syllables attached to it won't really make a difference. Although I'd very much prefer everyone to regard me with my real name, but that's never going to happen." She hangs her head, but panics when a strand of hair falls into the pot.

I see. So they called her by that embarrassing nickname there as well. I find relief in that, somehow.

"Ah, taking relief in another person's misfortunes. What do they call this again, Schadenfreude?"

"There's no point in finding pleasure in your unhappiness because you are me, remember? What kind of twisted self-depreciation is that?"

"The twisted kind you love, apparently."

I offer her assistance but she tells me it's not need. I keep insisting but she keeps rejecting.

We exchange confrontational words, but our altercation is cut short when more of her hair drift into the pot.

"Ah, help me scoop it up." She wears some disposable gloves and digs into the curry, picking out the hair follicles one by one."

I look at her long, auburn hair.

"Hey," I say.

"What?" she says.

"Why don't you wear a ponytail?"

Whatever she was about to say is interrupted by the doorbell ringing. I give Kyonko a look and head to the door. I look to the peep hole and see Koizumi. Behind him are the girls. Somehow sensing that I am at the other side, he gives me a wave. So creepy.

I take a breath and open the door. "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming."

There's Koizumi with his ever present smile, Asahina-san with a pleasant smile of her own, and Nagato with an expression that was neutral, but to me seemed pleasant, if my Nagato senses are to be believed.

"You're all here at the same time."

Aside from personal tendencies, they all had their agendas and responsibilities, after all.

"Ah, that's because we had a secret meeting with Suzumiya-san," Koizumi explains. "So we all headed here together after we were dismissed."

I see, a secret meeting, huh? "But should you really be telling me that?"

"I try not to keep secrets from you."

Yeah, right.

"But never mind that. You don't seem to mind that we had a meeting without you," he says.

"It's fine. I guess it's karma for the secret meeting I'm holding now."

I'm honestly feeling guilty for excluding Haruhi, not to mention all the secrets we hide from her.

"That's true."

Although, I'm tempted to ask what it was they discussed without me, but that's not important now.

"So," he says, "what did you call us here for?"

I turn around and gesture for Clone-chan to come over. She seems hesitant but walks until she is behind me. I put a hand on her shoulder.

"Everyone, I have something serious to talk about."

Koizumi gives me a weird look and Asahina-san gasps. Nagato—yikes, what's up with my Nagato senses? They're going crazy!

"Kyon-kun, w-who's this girl?" Asahina-san says. "Um, what about Suzumiya-san?"

Koizumi has a serious look. "I thought we already talked about being careful with other women?"

And I hope my Nagato senses are seriously malfunctioning right now because I'm sensing danger from her.

"Hold on, I think you guys are misunderstanding something here."

"I hope we are," Koizumi says.

I look at Clone-chan and she looks at me. I give her a nod and she nods back.

"Hey guys." She steps forward and smiles uneasily. "Um, wow, you all look so different." She looks at Koizumi, more specifically, at his chest. "You know what, I think I'm starting to like this world."

There are many questions from Koizumi and Asahina-san, and some non-verbal ones from Nagato. I raise my hand and ask them to quiet down.

"I'll be blunt. This girl here—well, let's call her 'Kyonko'—she is from another dimension. And if what she says is true, it's a dimension where we are all gender-bent. Now, I know this must be tough to swallow, but—"

"Oh, I see. An alternate dimension. So the multi-universe theory presented by Einstein is true, after all."

"Wah, so this is a female Kyon-kun? She's cute!"

"I see."

What? They all took it all in stride, even though it took me a while before I could even come to terms with it. I suppose this shouldn't come as a surprise since I'm dealing with existences which, according to common sense, shouldn't exist in the first place. To them, the sudden reveal of an alternate universe, and an inhabitant of that universe crossing to ours, must be within the scope of prediction.

"Well, if I must be honest, I can only accept it because she looks so much like the original, exactly like what I imagined," Koizumi says, while examining Kyonko from head to toe.

Wait a minute, I don't like the implications of that!

"Wah, wah, so cute, so cute!" Asahina-san squeals.

Ah, I'm feeling jealous of myself. What complex emotions I'm having!

"Evaluation of molecular structure confirms claims of para-dimensional origin." Clone-chan gasps and steps away as Nagato somehow managed to close the gap between them. "Further examination is needed."

Nagato—I don't like the way you're exhaling through your nose.

I'm getting tired of all the tsukkomi-ing so I leave Clone-chan to the Brigade and head over to my living room, plopping down on my sofa. I watch the Brigade minus Haruhi talk to Kyonko. They seem to be getting along.

I hear footsteps trampling down the stairs.

"Ah, the Nee-chan's are here!" Imotou exclaims.

Miyokichi is a step behind. "O-Oh, hello everyone." She gives a small bow.

Imouto runs laps around the visitors, spouting incoherent sentences. I look to Miyokichi. She shrinks in on herself and reaches into her purse, taking out bunches of used candy wrapper. So Miyokichi had given her sugar despite my warnings. Imouto probably pressured her. Oh, Miyokichi. You mustn't be spoil this Imouto of mine or else she'll trample all over you like she does to me.

"Everyone, everyone, let's play~!" The sugar induced Imouto yells as she grabs Asahina-san and Kyonko's hands. She tries to wrap her legs around Nagato, an impossible task as the former side-steps her grappling attempt.

"Oi, Imouto, calm down." I try to pacify her. "Let's play later, okay? The big kids have big kid stuff to talk about."

She flails her arms around. "No, no, no. Let's play now."

"Like I said—"

"I want to play Kyon-kun's ero-games with everyone!"

Miyokichi rushes to Imouto and covers her mouth. "Shh! I told you not to tell. And don't say ero-games!"

"Huh, but that's what you called them, right?"

"Umu, please just stop already," Miyokichi wails.

Ah, so they saw them after all.

"Hoh?" Kyonko gives me an 'oh so that's what you were so worried about earlier' look.

For what it's worth, Taniguchi gave me those games as a birthday present.

Well, it's not what I expected, but it seems my introduction of Clone-chan to the Brigade went off without a hitch. But I can't escape the fact that I took the easy way out and excluded Haruhi. Sure I can hide the truth from her for as long as possible. Clone-chan can stay in my house and pose as my cousin while avoiding Haruhi, a difficult, but not impossible task. My parents are on another business trip, and I can give them the same 'long lost cousin' excuse when they come back. They are negligent when it comes to family affairs, anyway, so they would be none the wiser. Sure they send New Year's cards to relatives, but it ends as that, an obligation.

So everything is set. All I have to do now is investigate the nature of that space-time rift that lead Clone-chan into this dimension in the first place. And with Nagato aware of the situation, this should be easier than I anticipated. So everything is set. But it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I know why.


	3. Act 1, Part 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 'Haruhi Suzumiya' series, and this fan-fiction is non-profit. All credit goes to Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten, and Kyoto Animation. Please support the original source material.**

* * *

 **Doppel-kun and Clone-chan**

 **Act 1: For Want of a Nail**

 **Part 3**

* * *

My living room is a standard affair. There is a flat-screen T.V. hooked to the wall. Adjacent to it is a four seater couch. Between the T.V. and couch is a dark, oaken coffee table with a mancala board on it. Rather than entertainment, the board is more for decoration, the colourful beads used for accentuating the table's dark colour, or so my mother claims.

There's this one time I played with the board by myself when I was really bored. I organized the beads according to colour, arranged them into shapes, stuff like that. My mother watched me play and gave me a look laced with pity. She gave me a substantial amount of yen and told me to go find a nice girl like Sasaki instead of playing around with beads all day. That was the last time I played with that board.

Koizumi and I let the girls sit on the sofa. I am sitting cross-legged, leaning on the coffee table while Koizumi paces about in contemplation, hand corralling his chin.

It was quite easy to get rid of Imouto and Miyokichi. I gave them some money to go out and play in the arcade. Imouto gladly took the offer since her beloved Haru-nee wasn't around. Miyokichi understood my intentions and promised to take care of Imouto, with the latter dragging her around by the collar as they make a noisy exit.

My tactics were dirty, but necessary. Hey, we're dealing with some heavy subjects here, unless you don't count cross-dimensional travelling as a heavy subject. But if that is the case, and nothing fazes you, then perhaps you'd like to switch places with me? You're clearly more suited to this craziness than I am. If you're up to the job then call me up. I live in Nishinomiya, Hyogo and my address is—

"I see, if we follow these 'starting points' then we should come up with some clues in the near future. You've put a lot of thought into this."

My recruitment attempt is foiled by Koizumi.

"Yeah," I say. "I'd like us to focus all of our efforts into finding a way for Kyonko to go home. The sooner we resolve this, the better. And for that I had to call all of you on such short notice. Sorry about that, by the way."

"Ah, no it is quite fine. I cannot speak for the others but I don't mind the sudden call for a meeting. In fact, I am pleasantly surprised by your initiative. Normally you are not the type to instigate."

"I don't like those insinuations, Koizumi, but I get what you mean."

"Ah, I'm not insinuating anything. I mean what I said by the most literal sense." He gives a smile, but the corners of his lips twitches and his eyebrows creases ever-so-slightly. It's been getting easier to read Koizumi these days. The logic is that if I can read Nagato then Koizumi is a cinch.

As I ponder over Koizumi, Asahina-san is making a fuss over Kyonko, petting her hair and poking her cheeks. She is treating her like a doll more than a person.

"Oh my you have such fair skin. You must tell me what skin care products you use."

"Ah? Skin care—well, I don't really use those kind of things. And Asahina-san, will you please not touch me like—ahn?!"

"Oops, I-I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were sensitive there."

There? I can't tell you exactly where 'there' is because I am not so depraved as to observe their possibly salacious interactions. So use your imagination.

Kyonko scoots away from her attacker. "Ah, this version of Asahina-san is, well, how do I say this—"

"Oh, I hope I didn't intimidate you. This is rare for me to act like so. Please forgive me." Asahina-san smiles but the smile doesn't reach her eyes, which still had a predatory glow.

"Well, I guess 'intimidating' is the right word," Clone-chan says, her gaze on Asahina-san's chest. "Intimidating indeed."

"Umu, please forgive me already. What's so scary about me, Kyonko-chan? Oh, am I allowed to call you that?" Her lips quiver. "Oh my, forgive me, but I can't control myself." She assaults Clone-chan once more.

"Ah, Asahina-san, please stop!"

As for how I feel about seeing Asahina-san cuddle with me—albeit, an alternate version of me—well, let's not talk about that right now.

While this is going on, Nagato is watching the two girls with a focused gaze normally reserved for when she's reading. She's watching while nodding slightly. "Interesting," she mutters. What's so interesting, Nagato?

Asahina-san relents in her attacks, freeing Clone-chan from her arms. "Ah, what have I done," she says, finally coming down from her moe-induced mania.

While the assaulter is filled with remorse, the victim is sitting there with a yawn escaping her lips, as if being fondled is a daily occurrence for her. And going by what we discussed before, it probably is.

Koizumi coughs to get my attention. "Well, it seems our meeting has entered a standstill. We discussed much, and said what needed to be said. I say we deserve a break, no?

It pains me to agree with Koizumi, but yeah sure, I can use a break right about now.

"Let's eat then," I say. "We can try out Clone—I mean, Kyonko's curry."

"Ah. Well, it's just curry so don't expect too much, you guys," Clone-chan says.

Koizumi and I set up the utensils and plates. Once that's done, we haul Clone-chan's pot of curry together and place it on the table.

I call the girls over and Kyonko comes with Asahina-san in tow. Nagato tails them a step away. She looks at the curry with something like approval.

We have our meal, and the mood is pleasant throughout, but there is something missing. The bad taste in my mouth returns.

It's not the same without her, after all.

* * *

I had two bathrooms in my house, one downstairs reserved for guests, and one upstairs for my family's personal use. The guest bathroom is properly maintained from a combined effort of my mother and yours truly, while our personal one is, well, neglected, for lack of a better word. Which is why I spent some time scrubbing the floors, and making sure everything is presentable before the Brigade came over.

The family bathroom itself is modestly sized so we had to cram in together to fit inside. I didn't understand why we all had to be inside, but here we are, packed like sardines, looking at an empty space where the mirror/portal-to-the-multiverse used to be.

"Well, here it is," I say.

"So it seems. Now, did you throw away the mirror shards?" Koizumi asks. "We could have Nagato-san take a look at them."

I open a compartment right under the sink. Stored in that space are extra toiletries, a plunger, rolls of toilet paper, and a garbage bag I used to store the broken mirror pieces. I had the foresight to preserve them for Nagato to examine, and hopefully find some kind of clue.

Nagato reaches for the bag and I offer it to her like a Shinto-priest offering his prayers to kami. If anyone can shed some light in this mystery, it's our resident alien. I have faith in you, Nagato!

She grips the bag with one hand and peers into it, her eyes shifting colour from golden brown to a steely blue. "Initializing scan for traces of foreign data." A few seconds pass before she lowers the bag and her eyes return to their original colour. "Scan completed. Foreign data analyzed. Acquisition of data signature."

"Ah, if we have the data signature then that means we'll know if Suzumiya-san is responsible or not," Asahina-san says.

Oh? I'm surprised Asahina-san had knowledge concerning this stuff.

"Geez, it's not like I'm completely worthless. You have such a bad impression of me, Kyon-kun."

"I didn't mean to imply that, Asahina-san."

"Yet, that's exactly what you did." She pouts.

Ah, an angry Asahina-san is not too bad.

"If we can leave the flirtations aside," Koizumi says, "I believe we should let Nagato-san finish her explanation here."

"Yeah, sorry. Please go on, Nagato."

Nagato nods. "What Asahina Mikuru stated about Suzumiya Haruhi's data signature is correct. Further explanation will be provided in a moment's time. Right now I feel it is necessary to discuss Suzumiya Haruhi's ability at a further duration than previous accounts."

She looks at me as if seeking permission, even though she didn't need it.

"As previously discussed, Suzumiya Haruhi possesses the capability to 'create data out of nothing', a power which the Data Integrated Thought Entity wishes to observe in order to emulate the process for our own Auto-Evolution. This power, while containing infinite potential, is still simplistic in terms of data manipulation." She places the bag on the sink and raises her hands up to her chest, palms open. "Observe." She mutters a series of commands too fast for the human mind to process. A white orb of light hovers on top of her palms. It spreads wide and forms into projections of complex equations, one of which I recognized as the equation for thermal transfer. The projections collapse on each other and interlock, compressing into an object no bigger than a yen coin. And in fact, it is a yen coin. It hovers for a few seconds. Nagato snatches it and flips it up into the air. I notice that its trajectory is not falling towards her as it should, but towards me. I fumble to catch it. Its momentum completely halts when it lands square into my palm. I somehow expected it to be hot because of the flashy display, but that's not the case. It feels cold.

"This interface's data manipulation comprises of taking useable external data in the immediate environment, or from the reserves cached in this interface's internal storage. The interface shapes this data into another form. The functionality, appearance, and nature of this form varies upon the alterations of the wielder. Examples of such forms are, the 'homing' mode demonstrated this interface demonstrated in the human past-time activity called 'baseball', as well as the force fields erected during the conflict in the extra-dimensional field manifested by data lifeform subspecies," Nagato opens her mouth and shows her teeth, "and the Nano-bytes transferred orally by this interface—these are all variations of data manipulation."

"Ah, so you mean all those miracles you pulled off before," I say.

She nods. "Visible or invisible, tangible or intangible, data is shaped using commands which must adhere to laws of the current reality. Attention must be paid to conform to these rules when instigating a—," another pause, "—a 'miracle'."

She stops, but continues when no one speaks up.

"However, Suzumiya Haruhi utilizes a primitive, yet unique methodology when manipulating—incorrect statement—'creating' data. Junk data exudes from Suzumiya Haruhi, circulating in her Personal Reality Distortion Field. This created data is translated and perfected as 'reality' in the physical dimension."

I feel the need to interrupt. "I don't understand any of this, Nagato."

"Basically, Suzumiya-san is releasing extraneous data or in other words, her subconscious desires, to the world. And these wishes of hers come true in reality. Or more like, she turns her will into reality without having to follow the same rules as Data Interfaces like Nagato-san do when manipulating data. Is that right, Nagato-san?"

"This explanation is adequate as further divulgence of knowledge concerning the Personal Reality Distortion Field is unnecessary at this time."

Again, all this technical talk is beyond my pay grade. Wait, I'm not even being paid for all this. Actually, why am I doing this again?

And then I'm reminded why as Clone-chan intervenes for the first time during this whole conversation. She looks just as confused as me. "Wow, this world's Nagato is just as confusing as the one in mine."

It wasn't necessary for her to interrupt Nagato just to make that comment.

"Well, I have to get a word in edgewise or it looks like I haven't contributed at all. Even Asahina-san said something intelligent."

"P-Please don't underestimate me! Even if I'm like this, I am still a cadet trained in Classified Information in order to deal with Classified Information. Ah, I can't talk about it…"

That built in censoring must be really troublesome. She can't even brag about her accomplishments as a time-traveller.

"I-I'm not bragging!"

"Anyways," Clone-chan says, holding up a hand, "while the insight to Haruhiko's—er, I mean Haruhi's abilities are certainly interesting, I think we pretty much have an idea of it after all this time, at least I do based from what I heard from my Nagato. By the way, it's kind of weird to see this Nagato. I mean, she's so small, smaller than me. My Nagato was so tall." She blushed. "And kind of handsome, actually, especially if he's not wearing—"

I coughed into my hand. "You're digressing."

"Ah, well, all I'm saying is that, what's the point of talking about Haruhi's powers and all? I'm sorry for sounding so desperate, but that's what I am. I want to go home. And I know I'm being impatient but I'd like to hear some good news." She goes up to Nagato and takes the smaller girl's hands. "Please tell me that you found something good, something that'll let me go back."

It seems I underestimated Clone-chan's desire to go back home. I'm reminded of how desperate I was to return to my old world during the events of that December. Ever since then, I've developed a sort of immunity when put in unfamiliar situations. If I went to another universe right now, I think I won't be as panicked as I was back then. I even made countermeasures for such an event. I assumed that this would be the case regarding Clone-chan, but obviously it isn't. And then there was that thing I said earlier, about her feeling at home here, and whatnot. How careless of me. I was just trying to cheer her up but it seems like it had the opposite effect.

Nagato looked at Clone-chan, and then at me. As always, Nagato is looking for my confirmation before doing anything. She really needs to learn how to be independent, and confident in her own decisions.

But because of the urgency of the situation, I simply give her a nod, expressing my consent. I can't keep Clone-chan waiting, and there's a look in her eyes that worries me, something like manic hope, like what Nagato is about to say will either make or break her.

Nagato releases Clone-chan's hands and retrieves the bag. She opens it up and reaches into it. I'm about to tell her to be careful not to cut herself, but she simply makes a gesture with her hand, raising it up. With another series of incomprehensible commands, an invisible force pulls the shards into the air, as if they're being pulled along by a string. The shards encircle around Nagato before some pieces collect above her open palm, similar to how the coin was earlier. The shards then mesh together into a cluster, taking the form of a thin, pocket mirror. At first the pieces were still cracked and separated, but Nagato mutters another series of words. A pulse of electricity surges through the pieced together shards, and almost as if they are magnetically charged, the pieces stick together until they seamlessly connect, not even giving a hint that they were broken only seconds before. With the other shards still orbiting around her, Nagato presents us with the pocket mirror. Hey eyes are half-closed, and her breathing is faster than normal. "Repair of the physical functions and connection to the broken link in the opening in space-time is still possible. However, an undetermined amount of time and energy is required to—"

Clone-chan interrupts her with a hug, her arms wrapping around the smaller girl, even lifting her up. She tries to spin her around, but there's no space.

"Ah, even in this universe you're so reliable, Nagato, no, great goddess Nagato!"

Another follower has emerged!

"It is nothing much. Rather, further explanation is still necessary."

Nagato resumes her explanation after Clone-chan managed to calm down.

"This repairing process will take a shorter amount of time if I emulate at least 30% of Suzumiya Haruhi's data signature. While this method is not—recommended, we can utilize it in an emergency situation as such."

Ah, I see what she means. Even Nagato has reservations with taking Haruhi's powers, no matter the amount or extent, considering the last time she did such a thing.

"However, this option to utilize Suzumiya Haruhi's data signature will not serve us at this conjecture. The signature embedded in this para-dimensional gateway is attributed to another."

"I see," Koizumi says, "so we are dealing with an outsider here. To be honest, I am glad Suzumiya-san is not involved this time. But if it is not our Brigade Chief, then who is it, I wonder?"

Nagato looks at us with eyes like quicksilver.

"Not who, but what."

So another entity? Could it be Nagato's boss, or maybe the Sky Canopy Dominion?

"Neither."

"Then what is it?" Koizumi asks. "What are we up against?"

Nagato hesitates, or at least, my Nagato senses interpret her pause as such.

"That information is not necessary right now."

Is not telling us a wise decision, I wonder? After all, know thy enemy better than thyself.

The shards revolving around Nagato come to a halt and pour into the bag, one by one, making sounds like hail hitting your umbrella as they scrape against plastic.

"In this instance, it is better not to know."

* * *

Our meeting met its natural end once Miyokichi and Imouto arrived. Imouto was her usual self until she crashed from her sugar rush, and fell like a log in the middle of the living room. I recruited Koizumi's help carrying her upstairs.

Koizumi carried her by the legs, while I support her head and torso. She's quite heavy for such a pipsqueak. Must be all the Candy.

"She reminds me of a certain someone," Koizumi had said.

Please don't remind me.

Now we are parting ways. Koizumi and Nagato are heading off in the same direction, at least for the first half of their journey. Asahina-san and Miyokichi live in the same general direction so I volunteer to walk them home. Once the arrangements are made, we go outside and say our goodbyes.

"Koizumi, Nagato," I nod to them.

"Until next we meet," Koizumi says, with unnecessary dramatics.

Nagato meets my eyes for a second. She nods her head slightly, turns, and starts walking.

"Ah, Nagato-san, please wait." Koizumi gives a small bow and follows Nagato.

I turn to Miyokichi and Asahina-san. "Well, let's start heading out as well."

"Okay. Thanks for walking me home," Miyokichi says, while blushing. How cute.

She's eleven, though.

"Let's go, Kyon-kun," Asahina-san says. She didn't bring a jacket or anything, only the thin, blue cardigan she wore earlier. So naturally I lent her something warm to wear, being the gentleman I am. Also, the sight of Asahina-san wearing my clothes is—

"Hey, Doppel-kun, you're supposed to be protecting them from perverts, but you're the biggest threat to their safety right now."

And then Clone-chan brings my thoughts to a halt.

"I'll be back in an hour or so," I tell her.

"Yeah, I'll stay up and wait."

"You don't have to."

She shrugs. "I can't possibly sleep now, you know."

She still seems excited after Nagato promised to fix the portal for her. Nagato now has the shards in her possession. The plan is that she'd reconstruct the portal in her own apartment, with us coming by to give her a hand if need be. Yet again, I am depending on Nagato.

"I don't mind," she had said, but I know I can't rely on her all the time.

Asahina-san and Miyokichi say their goodbyes to Clone-chan, with Asahina-san's goodbye taking longer than the other.

"I'll see you soon, Kyonko-chan. I'll make you some tea, you said you missed it, right? I'll make sure that it's as tasty as your world's Mikuru!"

"Y-Yeah, I'll be looking forward to that."

If Asahina-san really wanted Clone-chan to taste her tea, she could have made some earlier as I had some bags at home. The verdict: she just wanted an excuse to come by and visit Clone-chan again.

After a few more parting remarks, we make our leave.

The conversation is strained at first, but flows naturally once Asahina-san and Miyokichi find a common topic of interest. At first, Miyokichi remarks about Asahina-san's tea making prowess, something I told the younger girl about many times before. Thankfully, Miyokichi had enough tact not to mention that part.

Now they are exchanging recipes and techniques. One thing lead to another and Asahina-san agreed to take Miyokichi as a disciple of sorts. Of tea-making, that is.

We reach Miyokichi's house in no time. I make sure not to drop her off right in front of her house. I learned my lesson from last time, when her father mistook me as some no good kid going after his daughter. He came running out with a baseball bat in hand, yelling threats and curses. So now I make sure to see Miyokichi off from a safe distance.

"Thanks for today." She gives us a small bow. How polite. Hopefully Imouto will follow her example.

When she reaches the front door and knocks, her father immediately comes out as if he had been waiting there for an ambush. He has the same baseball bat in hand as he greets his daughter and lets her in. Before closing the door, he looks around, checking the vicinity for any male stragglers, before following his daughter inside. He's certainly vigilant. Well, I would too, if my daughter had a body like that despite her age.

"She's a nice girl," Asahina-san remarks. She looks at her phone where she now had Miyokichi's number. I am able to peek at her contacts and see, that aside from the Brigade, she only had Tsuruya's number, and now Miyokichi's. Seven contacts in all. Completely unexpected from someone like her. Even I had more names in my contacts.

I remember Asahina-san (big)'s words.

" _Asahina Mikuru's existence in this era is like a drawing on a flip book. As easily as she can be drawn, she can just as easily be erased."_

This is Asahina-san's senior year.

I turn to her. "Let's go?"

She nods. "Sure!"

The streets are empty save for a few stray cars. The street lamps are lit, but anything outside of the side walk seems like another universe altogether. In this place, with me and Asahina-san walking side by side under the streets lights, we are in our own world.

"Although I acted like I did earlier, it still surprises me, you know?"

She starts the conversation of with a strange remark like that.

I ask her to elaborate.

"I mean about Kyonko-chan. I was honestly surprised when I saw her. I even panicked a little. See, I wasn't informed by my superiors about an otherworldly individual traversing to our side, at least in this Classified Information it shouldn't be Classified Information." She narrows her eyes. "Ah, I'm sorry. I know how annoying that is for you, the censoring."

"It's not like you can help it," I say.

"Yes, unfortunately."

Another car passes by and the headlights illuminate her features. Eyes downcast, her lips pressed together. I consider saying something but the words never materialize. I settle for listening to the engine's noise trailing by as the car gains distance, the Doppler Effect in action as the noise dislocates.

Silence falls until Asahina-san initiates the conversation again.

"I rather like Kyonko-chan, you know."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, she's like you, but she's easier to talk to. Ah, but no offence. Hehe."

They are both girls so it's only natural. I can't say I feel offended, but jealous, rather.

"It's a strange concept though, to encounter another version of yourself," she says. "And I'm reminded that there are so many other universes out there," she waves a hand to the night sky, "as plentiful as the stars. It's quite humbling, really."

"It really is," I say. I look to the stars.

Light pollution from the artificial ambience of street lights reduces visibility of the stars. The astral lights are distorted, as if there's a great, big mosaic in the atmosphere pixelating the night sky.

"Yeah. To think that for every impossibility that can exist in our world, those things would be common sense in another," she says. "And there could also be a universe where everything is the same. It's all so strange."

"Hm."

"In another world, in another place, do you think there will be copies of us walking and talking like we are now?"

"It's very much possible."

"In another universe—do you suppose there's one of me who manages to—"

"Yes?" I prompt her to continue.

She points to the skies, and jumps on the spot, her heeled shoes clattering against the pavement after every landing. "Ah, look at that star, isn't it brighter than the others?"

"Wow. It really is, Asahina-san."

Bangs fall over her eyes as she lowers her head. "It's really bright, huh?"

"Yeah."

We continue the walk in silence. I don't bother continuing the conversation since we aren't too far from her home. Asahina-san quickens her pace but I maintain a sedated one. There is a distance of two meters between us. For some reason, my mind goes into this tangent, and now I'm deliberating the distance between the very spot I am standing, and the stars. How far is that? More than two metres, that much is certain.

I look at Asahina-san. She gained a considerable distance while I was occupied with my interstellar calculations. With every step she is getting farther. If I stop walking for a second, I bet she'd leave my vision entirely, and she'd keep walking and walking.

In this sidewalk illuminated by streetlight, I feel like I'm alone in my own world.

* * *

She thanks me for the safe travel when we arrive at her home.

"Don't mention it," I say.

"Goodnight, Kyon-kun."

"Goodnight, Asahina-san."

I watch her go inside, call it paranoia if you will, but I believe in seeing a job to the end so as to avoid any last minute screw ups. This is something I learned after all my misadventures in the Brigade. Prudence is a quality beaten into me, a product of my acquiescence.

As I walk away from Asahina-san's house, I try tracking the same star she admired.

I find it.

It's not bright at all.

Right now, I am kind of hungry.

I remember passing a convenience store on the way to Asahina-san's home. I was tempted to make a stop earlier, for a midnight snack, but not wanting to derail Asahina-san, I dismissed that temptation.

But now I'm on my own again. There's nothing stopping me for making a detour.

I now regret this decision.

Synthetic lighting illustrates her features. Eyes fluid like the inside of lava lamps, auburn hair which now reaches the top of her back after several months of letting it grow, golden ribbons tying holding it all in place—it is undoubtedly her.

In a convenient store of all places, in the middle of the night, I find Haruhi.

She's loitering outside the premises of the store like some delinquent—which isn't too far from the truth. There is a can in her hand. As I draw closer I see that it's a can of black coffee.

I look to the road ahead of me, only a few more blocks 'till I'm home. And then I look back at Haruhi, standing there in solitude.

"Yo," I call out to her.

Her eyes widen when she spots me.

"Kyon."

"Haruhi."

"Fancy meeting you here."

"Uh-huh."

She nods towards the store. It only takes me a full second to interpret the action. Aside from Nagato senses, it seems I developed some Haruhi senses as well.

"Yeah, I just gotta buy something real quick," I say.

"Knock yourself out, but I don't think they sell porn mags here."

"Hah, funny. But I'm here for my sister."

"Help, there's a pervert buying porn mags for his sister."

Okay, I walked straight into that one.

She brings the can to her lips and gulps it down in one shot. After she's satisfied, she chucks the can at a recycling bin two metres away. It goes up and down, mirroring a parabolic arch, left-over coffee spilling out in its descent. The can rolls around the rim of the bin before falling in. There is a 'clink' as the can collides with another hollow object.

"Buy me another one," she says.

"It's rather late for coffee, isn't it?"

"I don't feel like sleeping. It's the weekend anyways, and there's no meeting tomorrow."

That's good news to me. I'll be having Sunday all to myself.

"Now get going. Buy black."

"You don't usually have black," I say. In fact, that's my preference.

She shrugs her shoulders. "Are you going to buy it or not? Consider this an early payment for the future punishment you'll inevitably end up having."

Punishing me for something I didn't do yet—this is a whole different level of cruelty.

I head into the store, automatic doors ushering me in. I nod to the clerk when he greets me.

I initially came by for a midnight snack, but I went and ran my mouth off to Haruhi about being on an errand for my sister. Goes to show that deceiving Haruhi will only be a detriment to yourself than anything else. So I begrudgingly buy a set of girly looking mini-cupcakes for my Imouto fib, along with two packs of onigiri. One for myself, and one for Haruhi since she'll end up demanding some of mine anyway. I head over to the refrigerated goods area and take a bottle of orange juice for myself, and the black coffee Haruhi is suddenly craving.

I head over to the cashier and proceed with the usual procedure, that is until he says this, "Sorry, but do you know that girl outside?"

"Er, yes," I say, hesitantly. "Look, if she did anything, I'm sorry—"

"What? No, nothing like that. It's just, well, you might want to make sure she's alright. She's been outside for a couple hours now, occasionally going back to buy a can of black coffee every so often, but otherwise she just stands there and gazes out at who knows what."

"How many did she buy now, the coffee, I mean?"

"Three."

I thank the cashier and give him a small tip for his trouble, the same 50 yen coin Nagato constructed. I exchange Haruhi's coffee with a packet of strawberry milk.

I go outside and hand Haruhi the drink, bracing myself for the inevitable tirade.

"Hm. So you care about my health. How sweet." She pierces the straw in. "Although that cashier should really mind his own business." She sips, pink juice streaming up the translucent straw, some of the juice dripping to her bottom lip.

"How'd you know?"

"I can read lips," she says.

Speaking of lips, I hand her a napkin.

"Thanks," she says, roughly wiping around her mouth, staining the formerly all-white cloth pink. She crumples it into a ball and hands it back to me.

"Just keep it."

She considers the offer for a few seconds, before stuffing it in her pockets.

"Got anything to eat?"

I give her the onigiri and she accepts it without a word, devouring it in three seconds. I give her the other one, the one I planned on eating. This time she takes less than three seconds, practically inhaling it.

She sticks out a hand towards me, wriggling her fingers.

"I'm out. Unless you want Imouto's cupcakes."

She waves her hand dismissively, and continues sipping juice.

There is a silence between us that is neither awkward nor peaceful.

And then she drops this bombshell.

"I saw you with Mikuru-chan. You guys walked this way."

"Oh. Really?"

She chuckles. "Why so tense?"

"I'm not."

"I can tell, you know?"

"I'm not," I repeat.

"Are you still worried about that ban?"

"Hm?"

"You know, 'I forbid dating amongst the Brigade members'. I said that a long time ago."

"Oh yeah. How nostalgic," I say.

"So you're still worried about that? I won't really care if you break it, you know. I'll only give you a couple demerits."

"I never took that ban seriously. And besides, I have too many demerit points to care about a couple more."

She grins. "Yeah, you're at negative 936 now."

I wonder what's more amazing, how deep I am in demerits, or that she actually keeps track. Although I do remember getting demerits in the millions. I must have done something really good to negate those. Can't imagine what, though.

"So if you never cared about that ban, then what's with the hesitation?" she says. "You—You like her, don't you?"

"It's not a matter of liking or not liking," I say. "We met each other on the way and—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, it doesn't bother me if you're going out with Mikuru-chan. Why should it?"

I open up my bottle of orange juice. It's tangy and sour, tasting more like metal than fruit concentrate. "I guess this is your way of paying me back, huh?"

"Paying you back? For what?"

"For all those times I acted ignorant and dense."

"E-Eh?"

"I think you have an idea what I'm talking about. In fact, we've been pretty dishonest with each other, haven't we?"

I recall that feeling I had during dinner with the brigade, that bad taste in my mouth.

Her head tilts down, hair curtaining her eyes. She squeezes the carton, juice spilling, and chucks it at the bin. She misses her aim and it ricochets off the rim, falling to the ground. She makes no move to pick it up. I sigh and walk over to clean up after her garbage.

When I turn back, I see that she's already walking away.

"Haruhi," I call out. "I'll walk you home."

She looks back and smiles, although it isn't a very Haruhi smile at all.

"I'll see you at club, Kyon."

She walks on the side walk, street lights playing with her shadows. She turns back around and gives me a look before walking away. She disappears into the darkness.

I stand there for a while, listening to the sound of stray winds, before going back into the convenience store. I refund the cupcakes. Imouto doesn't need any more sugar, and I don't need any more headaches.

"Listen," I tell the cashier. "I'll give you 150 yen for that 50 yen coin I tipped you, make sure it's the exact same coin."

At times like this, it can't hurt to have a lucky item or two on your person. And what's luckier than a coin made by Nagato? I shake it in my closed palm. It feels cold.

* * *

True to her word, Clone-chan stayed up to wait for me. What a reliable girl.

"Unlike you," she says. "You said that you'd be back in an hour at most. What took you so long?"

I tell her about my detour with Haruhi. I don't mention how I took my sweet time walking and talking with Asahina-san, and even before that, Miyokichi.

"You're a real idiot, aren't you?" Clone-chan says. "Why'd you have to spout so many cryptic lines like that? If you kept up the act like you usually do—"

"Well I'm tired of that." And I really am. That's the sort of stuff I hated about Koizumi when I first met him. "Haruhi deserves—"

"What's more important, what you think Haruhi deserves, or, I don't know, a little something I call the structure of reality itself as we know it. Huh? Geez, I'm an outsider and it seems like I'm more concerned about this world than you are. And besides, he—I mean, she, is nothing but trouble. We just need to make sure they're pacified and happy, and somehow everything will turn out okay. That's what we've been doing all this time, right? If it ain't broke—well, you know the rest."

The way she's talking, it's the same as me from last year. Keep Haruhi happy. Don't let her know. Back then, I somehow managed to convince myself that pulling the wool over Haruhi's eyes would solve everything, that the Brigade and I could keep the charade up forever if we needed to. Somewhere along the way, that way of thinking changed. The me then and the me now—and Clone-chan here who holds my old epicureanism-esque ways of life—which one of us is right?

This is too much thinking for an ungodly hour like this. I need to sleep.

She yawns. "Yeah, okay. Sounds good."

She drops the subject so easily.

"So," she says, "what's, um, what are our sleeping arrangements like?"

I already considered this. "You can sleep in my room."

"A-And yourself?"

"I'll sleep my, I mean, our parents' bedroom."

She'd be more comfortable in a place she's familiar with, and I already cleaned my room beforehand, while my parents' room is still a mess from all the packing they did for their business trip.

Clone-chan draws in on herself, her feet shuffling against the carpet. Her socks are mismatched, I notice. One of them is feminine, pink with flowery patterns, her own. While the other, plain black, is mine.

"Listen, you don't have to leave your room, you know?"

I shrug. "I don't really mind. And I can tell you want to sleep there."

"Yeah," she admits. "It's familiar and all"

"See? So it's no problem, just sleep there and—"

"No, that's not really necessary, I mean, well, you know."

I frown. "What're you getting at?"

All that business with Asahina-san and Haruhi, those things fade from my mind after this outrageous proclamation.

"Wouldn't it be okay for us…to sleep together?"


	4. Act 1, Part 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 'Haruhi Suzumiya' series, and this fan-fiction is non-profit. All credit goes to Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten, and Kyoto Animation. Please support the original source material.**

* * *

 **Doppel-kun and Clone-chan**

 **Act 1: For Want of a Nail**

 **Part 4**

* * *

The following is a conversation I had with Taniguchi and Kunikida a while ago.

"Listen," Taniguchi said, "let's imagine this scenario where you wake up one morning, and everything is all fine and normal, until you see this girl lying beside you. And that's a great development and everything, right? But get this. She reveals that she's a gender-bent version of you. Like, a girl, you."

"That scenario seems too fantastical," Kunikida said. "In fact, it seems like the synopsis of a light novel." He titled his head up. "Now that I think about it, it'd be disastrous if someone from another universe came to ours…"

"Who cares if there's a disaster or whatever. None of that stuff matters as long as she's a cutie," Taniguchi exclaimed.

"But think about it. Even the smallest disruption in the world's natural order can lead to cataclysmal results. There goes a saying, for want of a nail the shoe was lost, for want of a shoe the horse was lost, for want of—"

"Geez, you're no fun, Kunikida."

"I'm just being realistic. Something seemingly inconsequential can lead to trouble down the road."

"Let's forget about being realistic and all that boring stuff for a second, and focus on the concept. The whole gender-bent setting is totally interesting, right? I mean, just imagine it, since you and her are basically the same person, then doing 'this' and 'that', and maybe even some 'Furi-Kuri' would be okay, right? And not curry powder either, I mean 'Kuri-Kuri' like fondling the cupcakes you see, mouth-to-mouth, 'Furi-Kuri'!" He stopped. "Wait, what's 'Furi-Kuri'?"

"How should I know?" Kunikida said.

"Anyway, so you heard what I had to say. So how about it, Kunikida, you convinced?"

"Can't say I am," Kunikida said. "Ask Kyon. Maybe he has a different opinion."

"You, Kyon." Taniguchi grabbed me by the collar of my blazer. "What do you think about it?"

This previous iteration of me, who had no idea of the future events waiting to unfold, said this, "Get your head out of the gutter, Taniguchi. There's no way any of that'll happen."

And now, let's go back to the present.

Eyes darting about, cheeks flushed, biting her lip.

Wouldn't it be okay for us to sleep together?

Saying something like that while acting like so, well, all I can say is that my alarm bells are going off.

"Let me clarify something before I make a serious mistake here," I say, "by 'sleeping together' what you mean is that one of us will sleep on the bed, and the other will sleep on the ground, or something along those lines, right?"

She nods. "Yeah, exactly. And I'll be the one sleeping on the ground, of course, because I'm pretty much just freeloading here."

See? I knew there was something like that.

But what's with all the fidgeting and blushing, Clone-chan? That display of moe can fool anyone, even me, your alternate-self. But, it doesn't matter. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get his head out of the gutter. Sorry for being so harsh on you before, Taniguchi.

"Huh? What's Taniguchi got to do with anything?"

Hopefully nothing, and let's keep it that way.

"Anyways," I say, "the concept of your idea is fine, but as for your suggestion of sleeping on the ground, well, I insist that you sleep on the bed instead."

"Okay, if you insist."

That was fast. You could resist a little more, you know?

"I could, but I'm also a growing girl, I need my beauty sleep."

I look at her chest. "Yeah, you're right. Take the bed."

"Normally this is the part when I deal you an uppercut to the chin, but I won't because you're being so considerate and sweet."

"I am? Well, thanks, I guess."

"And you'd be even sweeter if you got me a toothbrush, floss, and toothpaste. But you know, that's just a suggestion."

A rather specific suggestion, if I may say so.

I grumble and I complain, but I still end up going to the bathroom and digging around the compartment under the sink for extra toiletries. I go back to my room and give my findings to Clone-chan. Now she has a disposable tooth brush, floss, and a canister of mouthwash.

She takes care of her nightly routines while I sniff at my bed sheets to make sure there aren't any lingering odours, or anything like that.

Since they all stink, I take them out and replace them with some clean ones from my closet. I also take a sleeping bag for myself. I haven't used it since the class camping trip back in Junior High, but they're still in good condition.

"I'm done," Clone-chan calls out. "It's your turn now."

"Alright, but you can take a shower now, if you want," I offer. "Although I only have scent-less shampoos."

I should buy some apple scented ones soon.

"I don't know what to say about that shampoo bit, but I'll have to decline on the offer, thanks."

"You don't like taking showers? Who are you, Imouto?"

"Wah? No, I always take showers, but this whole fiasco with dimensional sliding has thrown me off my rhythm, that's all. I'll go through my normal routine tomorrow." There's a pause and for a while all I hear is running water from the faucet. "And speaking of routines, I won't be going to school for a short while, huh?"

"Yeah, unless you want to be the next mysterious transfer student. I'm sure Haruhi will get a kick out of that."

"I didn't say I'd miss going to school. On the contrary, I think I'll enjoy my short break to its fullest."

Clone-chan vacates the bathroom, giving me a turn to do my own thing. After taking care of my hygienic needs, I come back to my room and see Clone-chan wearing the same garments she came to this world in.

"You sure you don't want new ones?"

"I'm fine with these."

I set up my sleeping gear while Clone-chan plops onto my bed. She stretches her body as she settles into the newly replaced bedsheets.

"They smell good," she says. "Did you go out of your way to get new sheets?"

"No, those are the ones I normally use."

"Hm. Is that so?"

"Y-Yeah."

We settle into our respective beds. I zip up the bag until it's up to my chest, making sure it's not too restrictive so I can pull out my arms when I want. I hear Clone-chan rustling under her sheets, probably adjusting her body to our favourite sleeping position. I peek at her, and surely enough she is lying face down, her right cheek pinned to the pillow, her arms sliding underneath said pillow.

Satisfied that she's made herself comfortable, I turn around and close my eyes, feeling myself drift off.

"Gah," Clone-chan cries. "What the hell?"

I get out of my bag, struggling with the zipper. "What's going on?" I rush over to her side, nearly tripping in the process.

She sits up in alarm and lifts her sheets up, sticking her head under it. She breathes out a deep breath as she emerges from the blanket, turning to me and giving a shrug. "False alarm. It's just Shami-chan."

The household calico cat is there at the foot of the bed, still sleeping despite the disturbance. He rolls around in his sleep, the motion making his fat belly jiggle. Shamisen's really gained some pounds recently, probably because Imouto's been interfering with his diet. I caught her in the act once, filling his pet dish with sweets.

"I can take him off your hands if you want," I offer.

"Nah, don't worry about it. Shami-chan is my sleeping buddy, too, back home. She just sort of sneaks under the sheets and cuddles up. Nothing much you can really do about it."

"She?"

"Uh-huh."

I look at the calico with something like sympathy. It seems there's a female version of him on the other side as well. If you can still talk right now, old pal, I wonder what you'll say about this. Though, he doesn't really need to talk when his disturbed, feline face says it all. His tail stands straight and he leaps out of the bed and falls to my side. He dashes over to my sleeping bag and hides inside.

I feel touched, Shami, I really do, but look at Clone-chan's distressed face. Your abandonment is seriously breaking her heart. So can you consider going back before she bursts into tears?

He hisses in protest.

So much for negotiations.

I manage to drag Shamisen back to Clone-chan, receiving some scratches on my arms for my trouble. She giggles to herself while cuddling with the cat, pressing him to her chest, but Shamisen doesn't seem to be enjoying the female contact. Perhaps he's not even aware that he's receiving female contact in the first place, as certain feminine qualities are quite lacking from this girl. Yes, perhaps even through his fur coat, Shamisen can feel the lack of 'those'. The 'puff puff', so to speak. In his feline mind, he's probably thinking, why is this long haired man so attached to me?

"I'd strangle you to death if I wasn't so sleepy right now," she says. "Ah, you know what, the sudden burst of anger flaring up within me has awoken me somehow. I can't sleep with all this blood rushing to my head, after all. So why don't I expend this extra energy on something physical, huh. What do you say, are you willing to help me out, Doppel-kun?"

"I think we should all just sleep and not do anything hasty—"

She steps out of bed and looms over me, my words having no effect whatsoever. I hold my hands out to defend myself but she manages to penetrate my defense, her hands passing my hands and reaching for my throat.

"Hold on," I say, "are you really resorting to murder just because of some jokes about your chest?"

"I thought we made a promise not to discuss body types and sensitive subjects? What happened to that, huh?"

We struggle for a while until we both run out of gas. I'm the first to tire out so I collapse on my improvised bed. She leaps at this chance to choke the life out of me, but the life comes out of her instead as she wilts and falls down next to me, her head landing right on my left arm. We gasp for breath as our stamina bar depletes to zero. ]

"Hey," she says.

"Hm?"

"This is quite the position we got ourselves in." She tries to raise herself up from my arm, but falls back down.

"This scene wouldn't be amiss in some romantic comedy," I say.

"Yeah, I can picture a scene with a couple lying under the stars," she says, "me, the girl, using your arm as a pillow." She pats the sleeping bags. "We even have the camping gear and everything."

"Do you still remember that camping trip from Junior High?"

"Yeah, I do. I remember when they sent us to make curry with our groups. But my members were all guys so I was left with the task of cooking the whole thing. In the end, I screwed the whole meal up. It wasn't even edible."

I remember it differently. Back then, I was stuck with a group of girls and they forbade me from going near the food. I learned how to cook it from watching them, and one of them was nice enough to instruct me as she cooked it, even letting me cut up some onions at one point.

"After that," she says, "I learned how to make curry from scratch all by myself. I practiced every day until even Haruhiko had to admit that my curry was better than his. And we're talking about that unfairly talented guy."

Thinking back, her curry really was good, even if all she had to work with were some spare vegetables and instant curry mix.

"Thanks. Although curry's the only thing I can make."

The two of us continue to talk about the past and the differences between our memories. We steer clear from anything Haruhi related as we don't want to stress ourselves out. Instead we talk about our family, about that cousin we fell in love with, about cram school with Sasaki.

She is the first to sleep, and she does so on my arm. The weight feels uncomfortable. I always expected it to be a pleasant feeling like in those love songs when artists says things like 'I enjoyed the weight of her on me' or 'the weight of her head feels perfect on my shoulders, as if she was a piece to my puzzle', and corny stuff like that. But all I got is a block to my blood flow, the rest of my arm becoming unresponsive.

Still, it's something else to have a girl this close to you. Hm, when did I start thinking of her as a girl instead of a copy of me? Although, she isn't really a copy of me, I mean, regardless of the nickname I gave her, she isn't really a clone extracted from my DNA.

Umu. These confusing thoughts are making me sleepy, but I don't resist the urge to close my eyes.

I let myself fall into the deep cycles of R.E.M. sleep.

* * *

I wake up to the feeling of something warm trickling down my neck.

My hands automatically reach up to wipe it off. It feels slimy and sticky.

Also, it feels like I'm missing a limb. I check my left hand. It's moving. My other arm, however, aside from having a foreign object on it, is frozen.

And there's more of that fluid dripping down my neck again.

I open my eyes and see a bunch of brown hair on the corner of my vision. Some hair goes inside my mouth when I turn towards it, but I resist the urge to spit it out. There is a slight movement on my chest, squirming about. It must be Shamisen.

"Shamisen, you managed to sneak up on me again."

I cuddle him closer. There is something like an 'eek'. Strange. Wouldn't something like 'nya' be more appropriate?

"You—I know you're awake, Doppel-kun. Now, if you wouldn't mind, can you stop petting me like I'm the household cat?"

Ara? The cat speaks. Perhaps I have fallen down the rabbit hole and this is Cheshire Cat in my arms. Yet, such a character would fit Koizumi the most.

"Pretty soon, a coffin would fit you the most."

Okay, I'll drop the act.

She has a trail of dried up drool hanging from her mouth. Her hair is frazzled and sticking out at every conceivable angle, and her head is swaying side-to-side like windshield wipers, her eyes all bleary and unfocused. Those eyes wander to my neck, and she starts blushing when she sees the pool of her drool that accumulated there. She scoots over and wipes my neck with her sleeves.

"Sorry about that," she mumbles.

Maybe it's the early morning sluggishness that's affecting me when I get the urge to say this.

"Thanks for last night."

I receive an uppercut to the chin.

And that's how our morning went.

* * *

"So, you're sure there weren't any closed space manifestations yesterday?"

"A small one developed but it disappeared as quickly as it materialized. I'd find this strange before, but it's been happening as of late. Most of the Organization sees this as a positive sign of Suzumiya-san's development."

I am on a phone call with Koizumi. I just had my morning coffee and the cogs in my head are running now. Although, the caffeine might have been unnecessary as that uppercut woke me up pretty good.

"So everything's fine?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Okay, just making sure. Thanks, Koizumi."

"Um, did you have a reason for asking me all that?"

I stir my black coffee with a spoon. I can just make out my reflection on the dark liquid.

"Hah, I was just a bit careless around Haruhi last night."

"L-Last night?"

I stop stirring. As I stop interfering with the liquid, I can sort of make out my reflection now, although I look away to avoid seeing it.

"I'm hanging up, Koizumi."

"W-What were you two doing last night? Wait, please tell me—"

I snap my phone shut and slump on my chair. My knees bump on the table as I lean back, and the table shakes, along with my mug. Coffee spills out and I have to stand up and step away to avoid contact with the spillage. I frantically look around for something to clean the mess with.

"Here." Clone-chan appears beside me, holding a cloth.

"Did you somehow anticipate this?" I ask.

She hands it to me and shrugs.

"I am you, after all."

There is a noise from the kitchen, the sound of metal clinking against metal. I take the cloth from Clone-chan and clean my mess. The clinking sound continues but I ignore it.

"Kyon-kun, stop ignoring me. I need you here," Imouto wails.

She is clashing two knives against each other like cymbals while jumping up and down. This type of scene would make anyone have a mini heart-attack, but I have grown desensitized to such a display of reckless abandon from this Imouto of mine. She does these kinds of things just to get my attention.

"I'm listening," I say.

"Can we do something fun today, please?" She puts the knives away after successfully capturing my attention.

"Like what?"

She pulls out a pamphlet from out of nowhere. You don't happen to have a 4-D pocket do you, Imouto?

"Look at this Kyon-kun." She runs up to me and smacks the pamphlet on the table. There's still some coffee there so the pamphlet starts to dampen. Imouto panics and reaches into her pocket. "Ah, I need a gadget to dry this off!"

Don't tell me that you actually have a 4-D pocket, Imouto? Or should I say, Imouto-raemon?!

"Do you think she has the Anywhere Door? If she does then maybe I can use it to go back to my world," Clone-chan says.

How desperate is this girl?

I reach for my napkin to dry off the pamphlet, but I remember that I gave it to Haruhi last night. I settle for using paper towels. After it's dry, I open the pamphlet and give it a read to placate Imouto. Inside is a caption which reads, 'Amusement Land'. What a half-assed name.

"Let's go, let's go," Imouto begs. She goes on her knees and looks up at me with upturned eyes. A potent weapon, but such a technique would have only worked on me three years ago. I've grown used to all 108 Imouto skills by now.

"And what makes you think we can afford this." I tap the pamphlet on the table's surface, every tap emphasizing each word. "And you're gonna invite Miyokichi too. There's no way I can pay for her as well."

I'm not going to make an 11 year old kid pay for herself, after all.

"So you're saying that we can absolutely go if we can afford this?"

"Yeah, sure, if there's a way."

Imouto grins. Ah, I feel like I made a dire mistake.

Clone-chan sighs. "Hook, line, and sinker."

And then I notice it, right under the bright caption of 'Amusement Land', there's a message printed in black that my eyes somehow glanced over. 'Free entrance for children, elderly, and for a limited time only, couples!". I just missed this one part, but it's the most important part.

"You and Kyonko-nee can just pretend to be a couple."

I forgot that psychological manipulation is also one of the 108 Imouto skills.

* * *

And so we find ourselves here in the amusement park with the uninspiring name, 'Amusement Land'. Imouto is holding my hand as well as Clone-chan's and she is using us to swing herself back and forth. Miyokichi is just behind us and she's on her phone texting someone. If her father were here, I bet he'd be doing some reconnaissance work to see if she was texting a guy.

The line is long, even for the free entrance line, but it is a Sunday after all, and the weather is really nice. I take a moment to breath in the crisp air. Right now, I could be sitting at my house's porch with a light novel in hand, maybe have some tea and snacks by my side. Clone-chan can join too and we can have a bit of casual conversation.

It seems Clone-chan is having a similar fantasy as she has a faraway look in her eyes. She snaps out of her fantasy at the same time I do, and something like disappointment shows on her face as she's forced to accept the grim reality. There's no porch to be found, only rows and rows of people that stretches out into the horizon, and an obnoxious 'Amusement Land' banner hanging overhead like some deity watching over us. I feel like I am lining up for the underworld and we are all waiting for Charon the ferryman to take us along its rivers. I finger the coin in my pocket, ready to use it use it as a bribe. Hopefully a coin blessed by great goddess Nagato will be enough to satisfy a denizen of the underworld.

"Wow, what's that?" Imouto releases me from her grip, subsequently breaking me out of my asinine imaginings, and points at a mascot, a giant smiley face with arms handing out balloons bearing the same smiley face design. Under that costume is probably a person who has anything but a smile on his face, as I can't imagine being a mascot is all that fun of a job. "Kyon-kun, look, it's Amusement-san!"

Seriously? Imagine Mickey Mouse with the same naming scheme, would they call him Disney-san?

"Miyokichi, come on." She drags the taller girl away. Miyokichi looks at me for help, but I can only hold up a hand in an apologetic gesture.

They join some other kids as they encircle the poor guy in the costume, all of them chanting 'Amusement-san, Amusement-san' as if they were calling forth some devil with their demonic ritual.

"Did you see how far she ran?" Clone-chan says. "She was like a charged particle."

I laugh. "And now she's joining another heap of molecular munchkins."

"Do you suppose they'd all repel each other, like billiard balls?"

"So Imouto is the cue ball?"

It's her turn to laugh. "Yeah, and they all ricochet upon impact."

I point to Imouto whose enthusiasm is allowing her to easily integrate into the new pack of kids. Miyokichi is pretty much just a tag-along, but they welcome her too. "Or maybe they all attract, converging into one another."

"Maybe. A lot of the chaos in this universe can be likened to the conduct of children, that's something I noticed."

"Yeah," I say. "I noticed that too."

"So," she starts.

"Hm?"

"We're supposed to be a couple right now, correct?"

"That's the plan."

She holds out a hand without looking at me. I know what she means by the gesture but I will not be the first to acknowledge it.

"What's that for?" I ask.

"Don't make me say it. Honour a lady's dignity here."

"Well, what about my pride as a man?"

"A man's pride is cheap. You guys wager it for the pettiest things like arm wrestling matches, or something."

"That's a stereotype," I say. "Not all guys are competition freaks."

"Oh really. Then why don't you let Koizumi win a game of Othello one of these days, huh?"

Wait—I feel like we've had a similar conversation before.

The line is starting to thin out and we are moving inch-by-inch, stepping along with the crowd, as if we are all in a conveyor belt, being pulled along by some corporation for profit—which is exactly what's happening, now that I think about it.

I take the obligatory step, as if that one step would make our wait any more bearable. While I do this, Clone-chan still has her hand out. She's looking at me expectantly.

I look at it for a second before taking it in my hands. If I have to be honest, I'll admit that I was expecting some sort of special feeling from the contact, but I didn't really feel anything from it. Maybe the mood isn't right, I mean, the current setting isn't exactly romantic. But what kind of setting would be romantic, I wonder? Like, walking together on a snowy day? Perhaps being in the snow with my fake-lover would immerse me in this special feeling.

"I don't know about this special feeling or whatever, but I have a better idea. It has to do with the similarities in the texture of our skin, heart rate, and body temperature. It's like how you can't tickle yourself," she speculates.

Or so she claims, but even if it is like tickling myself, the mentality of holding a girl's hands is still in my mind, and my body is reciprocating that thought, becoming sensitive to her touch.

"Why are we doing this again?" I ask.

"Because we need to be convincing if we want to appear as a couple."

"Yes, but hand holding looks a bit too forced, I think. Maybe a slight decrease in distance, like shoulders touching for example, a subtle implication of our supposed relationship, will have to do?"

"Che, you're no fun. Think about a maiden's heart here."

"So you just wanted to try this sort of thing, is what you're saying."

"If you figured this much out already then keep it to yourself."

I'm about to respond when I see Imouto in the periphery of my vision, running towards us with an Amusement-san balloon trailing behind her. Several steps behind her is Miyokichi and behind Miyokichi is—

"Kyon-kun, Kyon-kun, look who I found!"

There, in casual clothes, is Haruhi and the rest of the Brigade.

As if things weren't bad enough, during all this, Clone-chan and I are still holding hands.

With my other hand, I feel the coin in my pocket once more. The underworld is really starting to sound like a good place right now.


	5. Act 1, Part 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 'Haruhi Suzumiya' series, and this fan-fiction is non-profit. All credit goes to Nagaru Tanigawa, Kadokawa Shoten, and Kyoto Animation. Please support the original source material.**

* * *

 **Doppel-kun and Clone-chan**

 **Act 1: For Want of a Nail**

 **Part 5**

* * *

I feel Clone-chan's hand twitch in mine.

"Look Kyon-kun, its Haru-nee and the other nee-chan's," Imouto chirps. She looks at Koizumi. "Oh, and him."

Ah, indeed, it is 'Haru-nee'. And what's this? Haru-nee is looking kind of angry. And what's this? The pleasant weather we are having has suddenly taking a turn for the worst. Oh no, look at those gray clouds sweeping through the horizon.

"Kyon," Haruhi says.

"Haruhi," I say.

"Yesterday you were spouting some pretty cool lines, weren't you?"

"Care to elaborate?"

"Oh, you know, you said some stuff like, 'we've been pretty dishonest with each other, haven't we?', and all the while having this stoic look on your face, as if you've reached some sort of insight to the mysteries of life. Do you recall saying such lines that a delusional eight grader would say?"

I say nothing. I learned over the years that silence is the best answer when it comes to dealing with Haruhi's ire.

She shifts her glare from me to Clone-chan. "And, little missy, who might you be?"

Clone-chan grins awkwardly and waves with her free hand. "Y-Yo."

She raises an eyebrow. "Yo, yourself."

Clone-chan weakly chuckles.

As if things weren't bad enough, during all this, Clone-chan and I are still holding hands. We release them only after Haruhi explicitly directs her glare on it and I can actually feel the heat on my hands as her pupils hone in on them. Forget the Mikuru-beam, you have laser eye capabilities yourself, Haruhi.

"And if you don't explain yourself in the next three seconds, you'll be facing the full brunt of these laser eyes and many other forbidden techniques."

"Don't tell me you've already mastered it?!"

"Yes, after months of harsh training in the Guiana Highlands and overcoming my master's death, at last I mastered it!"

"No way!"

"Enough with the jokes. You have a lot of explaining to do, Kyon."

I planned many countermeasures just for this situation and I'm sure Clone-chan had done so as well. But all my planning is useless at this moment as my mind shuts down and the words fail to escape my tongue.

"Let's start with her. Who is she?" She looks at Clone-chan with a raised eyebrow.

"She's my cousin."

"Your cousin?"

"My long lost cousin."

"What is this, a soap opera?"

"Let's put that aside for now," I say, trying to change the subject and steal control of the conversation away from Haruhi. "Why are you, and not to mention the rest of the Brigade, here in this park? Is this a continuation of that secret meeting you had without me the other day?"

"Huh? Who told you about that?"

I glance at Koizumi's general direction.

Haruhi turns follows my gaze and weeds out a perspiring Koizumi.

"I'm sorry, Suzumiya-san. It somehow slipped my mouth." He gives me a look as if I betrayed him—which I did. Sorry, Koizumi. Consider this as one of your duties as the vice-chief.

"That was a fatal mistake, Koizumi-kun. I explicitly told you not to tell him anything."

"Yes. I will not fail you again, Suzumiya-san."

She rolls her eyes. "As long as you understand."

I try to use this momentary break as a chance to sneak away but my escape route is blocked off by Imouto who dashes over and waves her hands around while jumping. "Haru-nee, Kyon-kun is trying to escape!"

Haruhi gives her a thumbs up and a triumphant smile. "Good work, Imouto-chan!"

So those two are in cahoots after all. My worst fears have come true.

"Oh trust me, the worst has yet to come." She grabs my arm and drags me off to the ticket booth, challenging anyone on the line who feels the need to complain, but predictably, no one steps up to Haruhi's challenge. I can only bow my head in apology to each person we pass. "Come on guys," she calls out to the rest of the Brigade plus Clone-chan. "Let's skip this annoying line and go in already."

"We shouldn't cut in front of all these people," Asahina-san says, but Haruhi drags her away along with Nagato. She gives me a look as if she was offering her help but I shake my head to decline her offer. I can't rely on Nagato again even if this situation might turn south real quick, and this is becoming very likely as Haruhi is gripping my arm with bone-crushing strength. Oh boy.

Come to think of it, it's been a while since I've been tossed into a Haruhi induced calamity. I hope I haven't gotten rusty.

* * *

We are in a fast food joint inside the park. I was reluctant to do so, but I had to let Miyokichi take Imouto out for some rides during our meeting as I didn't need any distractions when dealing with Haruhi. I am worried about them getting lost or abducted and everything else that could go wrong for kids their age, but Miyokichi assured me that they were fine and she'd take care of Imouto, who turned down the opportunity to have lunch with her beloved Haru-nee in favour of satiating her current desire to ride every attraction in Amusement Land. Hopefully she'll tire herself out so I don't have to deal with her later.

So with Imouto out of the way, I have free reign to deal with Haruhi, or to be more precise, to fool Haruhi using nothing but my quick thinking and a liberal use of dishonest methods. Turns out that all that time away from world saving duties has not blunted my edge, although this is not a fact I'd readily admit if I have a choice. I'm not proud of how proficient I can be in deceiving Haruhi, but I seem to have developed a knack for it after all this time.

In the span of thirty minutes, I managed to convince Haruhi that Kyonko was indeed my long lost cousin, and yes I am aware of how that sounded like some soap opera and yes I know the whole thing smells fishy. I used a fake story I made up a couple nights ago as a countermeasure for the worst case scenario, which is happening right now. The story started with a detailed description of a fabricated childhood I shared with Clone-chan, with the middle of the story focusing on her departure and our separation, and I worked up to the climax which brings us to now, the reunion between two long lost cousins. It was all a work of fiction, but Haruhi accepted my story wholeheartedly, biting onto every word and reeled in by my half-truths. But regardless of this, she still made sure to express how upset she was with me. Even explicitly saying, "I'm not letting you off the hook yet, Kyon."

"Now, now, maybe you should forgive the poor guy. I'm not sure what happened but you should give him some slack," Clone-chan says, while rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.

I am very thankful that she is still co-operating with me even though she's not obligated to do so as she's not from this world. Or maybe she knows all too well what Haruhi is capable of from her own experiences and she wishes to prevent the worst case scenario from occurring, alternate universe notwithstanding.

"Aw, how thoughtful of you. You're so cute, Kyonko-chan," Haruhi gushes. "I still can't believe you're related to Kyon, I can't see the resemblance."

"Me? Cute? No, I'm not—"

"Don't be ridiculous. You're not a bombshell like Mikuru-chan but you've got this 'cute girl next door' look, you know?"

"R-Really? I mean, no, that can't be true."

You're too easy to read, Clone-chan.

Haruhi comes to this conclusion as well as she keeps teasing Clone-chan who easily falls for Haruhi's flattery. It's like I'm watching a pick-up artist at work. Hey girl, are you alone, how about some tea? Things of that nature.

"But, really, you're too cute. It seems that Kyon missed out on that particular gene trait, huh?" She turns to Asahina-san. "Don't you agree? Kyon's quite lacking in the looks department, isn't he?"

"No, that's not true," Asahina-san says, while blushing, "Kyon-kun is quite good looking."

Haruhi taps her finger at the table with a dissonant rhythm. "Yuki? Your opinion?"

Nagato looks at me and tilts her head. After a while she nods, although the motion is so slight that I almost miss it.

"I see," Haruhi says.

And apparently, I am not the only one who can read Nagato now.

Seeing as how the girls in the Brigade refuse to play along with her little revenge ploy, Haruhi turns to the newbie of the group. "Well, Kyonko-chan, what do you think about your dear cousin?"

"Doppel...ah, I mean, my cousin is not that bad looking, as far as I can tell?" Clone-chan offers, weakly.

"Well, aren't you happy to receive these compliments from all these lovely girls, Kyon? I bet your ego is inflating to levels comparable to that of that Taniguchi fellow you hang out with, even though these girls are probably just paying you lip service."

I look away from Haruhi's scathing look.

"Ah, look, he's actually all red from our teasing," she says.

Somehow, Haruhi is harsher today than usual. The usual banter and teasing is replaced by not so subtle insults. Although, from all that stuff I said last night and how I'm acting now—I can't really find it in me to fault her. I'll just let her blow some steam for now.

"Aw, don't ignore me. I'm just teasing you."

"Suzumiya-san, stop being so mean," Asahina-san says.

Ah, my angel!

"I'm not being mean, Mikuru-chan." She pauses. "Look, this guy was saying all these vague things yesterday and, well, you know what, I don't want to talk about it right now, okay?"

Asahina-san lowers her gaze. "Alright, if you say so."

The mood darkens after Haruhi's remarks, and for a while none of us say anything aside from Koizumi trying to alleviate the mood with idle talk. I know that I am the cause of all the awkwardness so I excuse myself, not only to restore the initially good mood between the girls, but also to escape from any more confrontations with Haruhi. I know from experience that I will have to deal with Haruhi and the bad blood between us, but I don't want to deal with that right now. "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."

"Go ahead. No need to announce it to everyone," Haruhi says.

I smile weakly. I catch Clone-chan's gaze and she makes a move as if to follow me, but Haruhi latches on to her. I give her a shrug and what I hope to be a comforting smile. Thanks, Clone-chan but it'll be fine. Haruhi and I fight like this all the time. Clone-chan looks at me hesitantly for a second but relents, choosing instead to placate Haruhi by letting the hyperactive girl assault her without struggle. I head to the bathroom.

From behind me, I hear Koizumi excusing himself as well and jogging over to my side.

"Hello," he says.

I nod in acknowledgment without looking at him and continue walking. I open the door and hold it for him and he follows me inside. It's a standard bathroom and to my relief there's no strange odours in the air that all public bathrooms seem to have. We separate ourselves with Koizumi washing his hands while I do my business in the urinals. After taking care of my bodily needs, I join Koizumi in the washing stations, not commenting on how Koizumi has been washing his hands for three good minutes now as I know he has another reason for following me here aside from hygiene purposes.

"Quite the oppressive atmosphere back there, wouldn't you say?" he says.

"Only when I'm around."

"Well—that's not completely true."

"We both know that it is."

He finally stops washing his hands, which had gone all wrinkly from the excess water exposure, and grabs a handful of those cheap and brown paper towels to dry his hands. "If it's not too much to ask, would you mind telling me what happened last night between you and Suzumiya-san?"

"So you figured it out," I remarked, without much care.

"Why yes, anyone could."

If he is offended, he doesn't show it.

"I might tell you, if you tell me something in return," I say.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Tell me what this whole secret gathering is about. Why are you guys here?"

Koizumi grins. He wordlessly takes out his phone and traces his password on the screen. He swipes around through his apps until he finds what he's looking for and shows it to me. It's a text from Haruhi.

 _Hey guys! It's that idiot's birthday coming up so let's group up and plan for it!_

Oh yeah. My birthday. I haven't even thought about my own birthday until now, in fact, it completely slipped my mind.

"That was for the first secret meeting. And this is for the one we're having today." He swipes down to a more recent message.

 _Let's scout that amusement park nearby, 'Amusement Land' was it? I think they have party halls there that we can rent for cheap. Let's all check it out tomorrow!_

He pockets his phone. "Well, now you know what all the secrecy is about. Sorry for ruining the surprise."

I reach into my pockets and fiddle with my lucky coin, finding comfort in it for some odd reason, and I'm hoping that this action does not develop into a nervous reflex.

"Well, I upheld my end of the deal," Koizumi says. "Now, how about yours?"

I give Koizumi a pat on his shoulders. "You assume too much, Koizumi. This is why you never win in Othello and chess." I pass by him. "Later."

"Huh? Wait a minute—"

I exit the bathroom and return to our table, only to see that there is no one there. Right now I'm thinking, damn, did she stiff me with the bill again? But then I look back at our table and I see a bookmark wedged in between my plate of untouched food. I grab it, read the contents, and recognize Nagato's machine-like handwriting. 'Danger', it reads.

Koizumi runs up to me and is about to open his mouth to complain, no doubt, but I shove the bookmark in his hands. "Read it."

His eyes settle into a look I call Koizumi's 'business mode'. He looks around the restaurant before leaning in and whispering to me, "I don't sense anything—no, wait." His eyes widen. "What? I-I don't understand. It feels like closed space, but its fundamental design is different—and as for this data signature—"

"What is it?"

"—it is similar to the one Nagato-san extracted from the broken mirror shards, in other words, what we are dealing with right now may be tied in with our alternate universe problem."

I look at the bookmark once more. "Do you know where the others are?"

"Yes, if my suspicions are correct then—there's no time to elaborate. Take my hand."

I glance around at the waitresses and customers all minding their own business. I make eye contact with one customer and I look away. "You know, suddenly slipping into another dimension in the middle of all these witnesses might give us some unnecessary trouble later on."

He takes a deep breath. "You're right. Sorry, I'm starting to panic." He takes out his wallet and tosses a fat roll of bills on the table, enough to pay for our bill, tip the server, and then some. It feels good to see someone else emptying their pockets for once, especially when it's Koizumi.

We go outside and find an abandoned alleyway. There's garbage everywhere and it smells like grease but it is private enough for Koizumi to do his Esper thing.

He offers me his hand. "Close your eyes."

I feel a familiar sensation, the feeling of imbalance as I slip in between two dimensions. I open my eyes and see what would be a faithful reconstruction of the real world, except for the lack of people and the stasis and the whole wrongness I feel just from being here.

"Closed space," I say.

"Again, it is different, but the concept is similar." He a hand and a red orb forms over his palm. He plays around with it before dismissing it by closing his hand. "It seems I can use some of my powers here despite the lack of Suzumiya-san's data signature. How odd. Maybe this place is connected to her after all?"

"So this is Haruhi's doing?"

He shakes his head. "No—well, I'm not sure. She might be involved in some way but I doubt it. Something else aside from Suzumiya-san is involved."

I remember Nagato telling us about an outsider entity that is somehow responsible for all our troubles recently. She didn't tell us anything about this entity so we're facing an enemy without knowing anything about it. We're going in blind here which is something I would rather not do. This is too reckless. But we don't really have much choice. All I can do is wonder why Nagato felt the need to hide such vital information from us and for the time first time ever, I'm starting to have doubts about great goddess Nagato's actions.

No, now is not the time to doubt.

"Well, staying here won't do us much good. Let's go look around," I say.

"Good call. Let's go—"

But before we can take even one step, we fall to our knees as the ground shakes. I try to stand and I'm stumbling around, but I lose my balance again as another wave hits us. It was weaker than the initial surge but still had the potency to bring me to my knees once more.

"Earthquake?" I ask Koizumi, who somehow regains his footing. He offers me a hand and I accept it as he lifts me up.

"No, that implies that we are dealing with a natural force."

"Don't tell me it's a Shinjin?"

"I'm not sure." He gestures outside. "But on a positive note, I also detect Suzumiya-san's presence over there, along with the others." He points to a general direction where the Amusement Land's signature attraction, the Ferris wheel is. I don't see Haruhi or anyone else but I can trust Koizumi's words due to the nature of his empathic connection with Haruhi.

Another wave comes but this time I'm expecting it and I brace myself.

"Good grief. Okay, fine. Let's go, Koizumi."

He looks at me with his mouth slightly hanging for a second, but he reverts back to his default smile.

"Roger."

Today started out so normally, even with all that trouble in the morning, but here I am again, stuck in the middle of another potentially cataclysmal event.

I sigh, reach into my pocket and fiddle with the coin, accepting this action as a nervous reflex I developed due to my recent tribulations.

Well, whatever. Here I go. Time to save the world once more.


End file.
